Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-11-28

Omnia possibilia sunt.

I felt tired and flu-like enough to where I decided to stay home. I didn’t get sick from spending time at Mira’s house for Thanksgiving (where she didn’t tell me she had sick grandkids until I got there). I recalled that in the past, depression was physical where I felt very achy, and I felt tinges of that (and gee, I’m so grateful to realize I hardly ever feel that nowadays). At least I was able to use her grandkids as an excuse to stay home and rest.

The difficult part was I thought I was safe with her, and I was wrong.

It took a while to shake off the awful feeling. I was still upset at how things went. As I thought it over, I should not had been too surprised. She did and said some odd things, ranging from her very hissy gossip about 2 mutual acquaintances that seemed to come out of nowhere to making a mess on a restaurant table to get back at a bad server. I guess I never thought she’d turn on me, but I now wouldn’t be surprised to hear she gossiped just as sharply about things I did or said. I guess it took what was a sleepover to really see her true colors. I know she was stressed but I didn’t realize she lacked the ability to not take things out on others.

But, some things helped. I had a conversation with a friend who lives out of town, I’ll be heading there to help celebrate their birthday. I’m so lucky I have them. Then, I read the last of my required course reading (oops, and realized I missed a couple) and I’m super-close to turning in my final paper. By the time I was finished with my reading, I actually felt better and the ache from the weekend and morning was gone. I never thought coursework would make me feel better, but it did!

I decided to make use of the sick days (I have a lot of hours and earlier this year, my boss was actually recommending I use them which puzzled me). I may just take the next 2 days off and I already had the remaining week off. I notice that when I look or feel a certain way, the boss (who is on their way out due to retirement and isn’t so strict) encourages me to take time off which was verboten in the past.

Towards the end of the day, I was able to do my hair, give myself a facial (yeah, I do that), trim my nails, and then wax my otherwise (unfashionably) bushy eyebrows. I guess I didn’t feel too dejected by the Thanksgiving visit to feel completely bad today, though.

But, holidays remain a sensitive time. I guess Decembers can be exhausting because it is the end of our term and most people are spent by then. I told myself I needed to respect my boundaries in terms of holidays: I don’t think I will make long appearances at functions and definitely not stay overnight at places or with people I’m not sure of.

Although the last few holidays were relatively good though not without hiccups or bumps, I still made the best of them. I still feel sensitive about the distance between me and my family, and still struggle to accept that the things I did to make holidays easier for me (set boundaries, limit my presence), I still feel a bit of guilt or shame about it, though I think that I’d be worse without them. The memories of holidays past were very real…

…but I think the thing that hurts the most is wondering how much of the isolation was self-made or how much was not. After one Christmas gathering where my mother was intoxicated and wouldn’t get off my back, I refused to be anywhere near her on the day of a holiday. She was feeling like a happy drunk at the time, and while her siblings cheered on her holiday spirit, my siblings and cousins didn’t have a good feeling because she kept following me when I tried getting away from her.

It was the straw that broke my back after previous holiday fights and other forms of strife. I guess the holidays are a stressful time for people and especially in a family with a history like mine, but they just became too sensitive to me. I had to set boundaries, but I wonder if I broke some invisible rules that made me be seen as the difficult person. I also realize some people in my family are not comfortable around me, but I do try my hardest to get along! I just start to break down when I see it’s not working.

I know I should be glad about the distance and I should tell myself that at least I have this space to myself that is more peaceful. I could be with others who are more respectful and perhaps glad to have me in their company. I should or could say the absence of my family gives me the space to create something new and different, yet something just aches and hurts inside although others tell me I’ve done everything in my power to have a relationship with my relatives, I played my cards the best I could and I didn’t do anything terribly wrong.

I understand family strife is more common than we like to think, and for things ranging from small things (a misunderstanding) to serious things (constant abuse). I learned many of the people I grew up with do not interact with their parents or families. I’ve read about these things on these pages over the years and I know many who aren’t in any contact with their families (and for damn good reasons), and I even know people whose parents or families actively hate them; I wouldn’t say that applies to me, but a deep chill is very real. I’m sure there’s plenty of reasons why it’s still so sensitive to me, but at least I know this happens all over.

I guess the name of the game of this holiday is radical acceptance of what is. I actually don’t feel so great at the Christmas gatherings of others, it makes me feel more like an outsider looking into someone else’s experience even though I was invited (it sounds crazy, I know, but there it is). There’s a certain point where it stops feeling like someone is sharing a moment with you and then it becomes being included in their moment.

I’m open for a holiday miracle, hahaah. But, I already have a motto for the holiday with the last 2 or 3 paragraphs I’ve written: Omnia possibilia sunt. All things are possible. It’s in the realm of possibility that I can feel normal for a Christmas, it has to be!

downwind | upstream