Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-12-15

Bearing witness

Today is the first day of my vacay. I almost missed my appointment with my mentor because I slept in, but I made it to their office. I told him I felt very frustrated because of all the work I've done, and yet I still feel the ups and downs with mood (but gosh, I haven't gotten the bi-polar diagnosis yet, hah). I even didn't smoke cannabis or drink for a week and still felt a bit of it.

Then, there's the aspect of bearing/ having a witness. I do quite a bit of the work on my own, but we acknowledged there's something about having someone else there to be a witness. Now I think I know why the soul/ gospel preachers would say, "can I get a witness?" Yes, we need a witness so we can explore things, see them, and understand them so much better when reflected off another, so to speak. Otherwise, it's incomplete when it's only ourselves.

Yeah, the mentor and I did talk about that. I do acknowledge there's so much more I could do with a collaborator (and what they can do with my presence). I tend to be a loner to not tax the hell out of my friends. I not-so-joked to my mentor that I needed the therapy or else I'd probably have only 1 or 2 friends in the whole world.

I remind myself it's the holidays, such a delicate time. At least I'm trying to let this sink in: the holidays show all the freedom I have and space in my life that allow possibilities. I can create a different world. I have been for a long time and I doubt I'd have all that I have if I didn't have that space and freedom. It gives me possibilities that weren't previously there.

Having time off brought me back to the "leisurely" days of remote work during Covid (hah). I pushed myself a lot, but I realized I didn't have to after the first year (hah). Although everyone's stress level was high since the world was on fire, at least I didn't have the political and interpersonal stresses and anxiety from the job. I was surprised how much at ease I felt around people, especially my neighbors because they were the people I interacted with the most. My stress levels were high from the uncertainty, but low internally from not having to go into the building.

Oh, my, and let's not forget my own beautiful delusion Huck that made it especially wonderful. I made some new things at work (they were actually quite good). I felt productive, creative, and infatuation/ love while the world was on fire. And, there was something rather free about the whole thing. My monkey mind still attempt to tease apart whether it was a total delusion or if there really was something there. It was definitely both. I just can't shake off how happy I felt with the better things that we had between us. He expressed the same in more ways than one.

I distinctly remember wanting to meet someone like him before we met, and then we did. I sure hope my conjuring skills can get that sharp again (hahah), and I can refigure that spell to get someone who wasn't misleading and evasive (ha. ha.). Or, maybe I'm using that energy for other things that have higher priority right about now.

At least the infinity of possibilities assures me it is possible again (with a different person, place, etc.)!

I'm realizing that everyone was really worn down from those 2 heavy years and even the one after. Everyone has had big losses, deaths and separations of sorts. I sometimes feel like a basket case despite the work I've done on myself, and then I see others. No, it's all around. I don't think we can jump back into normal after 3 years of not-normal.

People wear down faster. A lot of my friends are seeing docs more often for chronic conditions, or what they had got worse. One guy was literally told he needed to change the way he ate because there wasn't much more the heart failure meds could do for him. People are tired and also have an emotional exhaustion, and also anger and grief.

Gee, and I think issues with climate/ nature/ effects of humans, are starting to seep into the conscious of people and they're fucking with them. Are humans the only species who destroy their own habitat? It seems like it.

It was a grand denial for so long, and I wonder if a part of what makes us feel the way we do is the denial: yeah, we've allowed ourselves to get trapped in a system that is literally destroying ourselves and our habitat. It would take a completely drastic way of life to slow or stop that, but we'd have to give up so much. Limit driving, eating meat, conspicuous consumption, buying into fads, and-- having to lean on each other more to say the least. Stop the economy and way of life that fed all of this to only a select few on this earth, while the rest were forced to sacrifice their bodies, habitats, and freedoms to provide it. I guess that would also involve removing the artificial barriers of race, origin, social class, orientations, etc. That would also be like swallowing a pill like a razor to make those changes.

Then, there's those of us who either are at Ground Zero (I'd like to thank one person on these pages for their share, and sending kind energy for what that's worth) for climate change or have a connection to it. I remember reading about people who lived in Australia who were reporting more anxiety and hopelessness because they were feeling the effects back in the 2000s. They see it and they are rightfully depressed, and I sense both the denial and the first-hand immersion.

For our final class session, we had the topic of what is the future for the profession. We summarized it was going to be tougher: harder decisions, not being able to pass the buck, doing more with less, and having to do a lot of fixing. It sounds like the right profession for me, hah.
I feel like the fucking Jack Bauer (from 24) of my current profession even though it's considered to be rather genteel (it's not, we actually have a conference dedicated to burnout and stresses). But, for this other profession I hope to enter someday, what we do is necessary and it's important to do the best we can with what we've got. Sometimes that's all we can do, even if we fall short.

Anyhow, carry on...

And then, my niece Kei will graduate with her 4-year degree in criminal justice in the spring. She did this while in the US Navy and raising a toddler girl on her own. She plans to go on for her masters in forensics as soon as she graduates. We were having a chat about that, and I said maybe we can finish our programs at the same time.

She then thanked me for what I did because she saw it was possible. I choked up when she said that. We never really talked, but when she decided to go into the service, I tried to give her a glimpse of the hard work she'd do, but that if she did all right, it would be a club she'd belong to for the rest of her life that it would open up many doors for her. I'm familiar with the fellowship of soldiers and the distinct one for sailors. When I told her mother (my sis Big Momma) all of this, she said it sounded right for her daughter, especially the part about cussing.

I need to buy tickets to an event I was invited to attend with another friend who pursued her dream to be a national park ranger. We need to catch up.

I then need to finalize my guest list for my Christmas Day brunch. I know Tex would have a good time with the company, but I'm not so sure I want to invite his roommate Avery. The last time we went out, I kinda gathered that Avery was one hot mess and Tex was so embarrassed. He had to tell Avery to shut up more than once because of his foul mouth. I feel a little bad because I actually liked his company when he wasn't busy with being offensive. It all makes me think about how the last 3 years has drove people into the ground because some of the people I meet seem to be edgy (and God knows I'm a bit more lately). It makes me feel rather sad. Or, maybe Avery was already that way.

Ok, off I go for my ticket, my list, and seeing if I have the space to attempt to conjure something beautiful while things go the way they go.

downwind | upstream