Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-08-08

Where I am now

We just set up my home office, so it has yet another incarnation. The building IT guys gave me some equipment so I had to rearrange a lot of stuff (I have folders and the old crappy printer on the floor). I also bought a new rug to make the place look more inviting as opposed to where I toss things I'll get to later (hahah).

I have Marley's gray dog bed next to my desk with a brown, stuffed dachshund my nieces gave to me from their trip to Schlitterbahn water park; I guess the dog was the park's mascot. I bought the bed while I worked remotely and so she could be comfy instead of laying on the ground.

I'm slowly digesting all of this and it goes something like this:

*Reading regulations, HR documents, policies...
*Remembering the disastrous internship I had, and trying to tell myself I wasn't a failure...
*Combing through institution memorandums...
*Feeling the built-up previous frustration from people not considering what I had to say and being dismissed (a very regular occurrence 2 positions ago), and talking to it...

*Attending webinars about things like anti-harassment, required things to report, etc.
*Tossing out old files that I haven't used in ages...
*Recalling the time I tossed old files when I worked in another place, saw a note from a previous big boss, and teared up because I missed them but also was so happy to see it...
*Recalling meetings that went very badly...

*Reading documents referred to in trainings so I'd have the full picture...
*Confronting fears: 'they're gonna try to throw me off... their hidden wars are gonna emerge... I better know what to do if a fight breaks out in or around the damn building... I better know what the fuck to do for all of these.'

*The smiles on the team's face when I come to the weekly meetings.
*Remembering how I pissed off the person who held all the strings at a previous job, and I got another job (escaped) before they came back from sabbatical.
*Recalling that I got the damn job because they liked the work I did.

*Telling myself that I'm not naive enough to think everything gonna be wonderful, but positive enough to know that a change really was needed and to implement them gradually...
*Telling myself people don't have to like me but as long as it's civil and respectful between us, then ok.
*Be aware that if I tell people what to do or give them a project, find a way it makes them look and feel good. They did it because I asked, but they also got something out of it.
*Assuring myself I can do this. The only thing that really matters about past experiences are the ones that helped me get here (the good and the bad).

*Telling myself I can let the view of the things in the rear view mirror get smaller and smaller and smaller until the scenery changes because, well, the scenery is changing and in so many ways. Most of the people I started with have moved on, and quite a few did not remain in the profession. Their choices took them elsewhere, mine took me to where I am now.

downwind | upstream