Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-10-19

Precious backup

At least things get to a point where they turn a corner. I then tell myself, “I’m not crazy, all of this really has been a hell of a ride!”. There’s been a lot going on, it’s been a bumpy road. And, then I have my own head to deal with.

So far, I’m glad to see the lack of support I feared didn’t happen. When I met with the building confederacy of grand pubahs, they discussed some matters that involved people and a situation I was highly familiar with. I debriefed them on the situation but not the people. I then hanged back and the others added their knowledge and the whole discussion was coherent and accurate.

It was a virtual meeting, so we had that Brady Bunch screen with our faces. It was a real discussion, not a bad one or a mean one. The GPs (that includes me) said some hard facts, and then our facial expressions were neutral and quiet for a spell.

I was the first to speak. I agreed with everything and said, “I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who had these thoughts.”. The council then made a decision based on the conversation, and they remained neutral.

I’m gonna be one of the main enforcers of this decision, but I feel so much better to know that others were aware of the matter, they agreed with a decision, and didn’t abandon me. It’s gonna be another cleanup I have to orchestrate (and I’ll speak more about that in a bit), but I feel better about doing it with the backup.

Backup, God, I love backup! It’s about as precious and rare to me as diamonds.

It all came down to this: I was so afraid of having to speak up and stand completely alone. God knows that happened plenty of times in my life. I told the truth and ended up getting punished. The silence and lack of acknowledgement were like lashes, and I literally felt like I stood in front of everyone while they looked on with denial or ridicule. These felt like some of the loneliness moments in my life. This happened almost routinely in my family until I just learned to keep my mouth shut, and then it happened often in the world of work where I again learned to keep my mouth shut.

Another awkward thing was to be responsible for something, have specific rules or things to uphold, and then be told I wasn’t supposed to do it. I should bend the rules, go easy, don’t be such a hard-ass. Sometimes I got to a point where I didn’t feel like enforcing anything because the chances were high I’d get my hands smacked from doing what I was told. I’ll never forget the public computer incident that happened way back when. I just waited for the manager on duty to tell me kicking someone off the PC after abusing their privilege was wrong. Much to my surprise, the MOD backed me up. Too bad this was something I didn’t see enough of throughout my life.

I feel less crazy when I see the anxiety had bases. Things really did happen. I can’t say for a fact that it’s happened to me more than others, but sure feels like it did. I learned to keep my mouth shut to lessen trouble, I learned to play small so I wouldn’t be such an easy target. It’s no wonder parts of me are angry, suspicious, and anxious. I got pissed from the constant censorship from others and myself with knowing what I knew, and I got suspicious with wondering when what I’d say or do be held against me. I guess as long as I can say these are parts and not all of me, then I’d be a little assured I didn’t become the scowling middle-aged woman I didn’t want to become.

My Right Hand Person is really something else. They would had made the perfect spy, scout, or mercenary. They have a refined, highly composed, yet affable demeanor but in private, they have wickedly strong opinions and perceptions on just about everything. They get rattled and upset about things much easier than they let on. We can vent, but I try to not let it escalate after a point.

They’ve been there longer than I have, and I noticed through our conversations they give me little tricks and tips. The RHP really wants me to be courageous, like the lion drawing by their nephew a school art contest. My ear is keen enough to notice the tips (and I’m sure they know that). I am soooo grateful for them, I feel it in deep in my gut, I’ve been fortunate that I’ve had good right hand people when I had these types of gigs, and thanking the gods I got an excellent one again.

So cleaning up…. I talked with someone who worked with my former boss, known as Big Boss, from waaaaay back. They were hired to clean up some things BB and his crew did in the building and said it took them almost 3 years to do. I loved and respected Big Boss, but didn’t agree with some of his decisions. Anyhow, someone was brought in to clean up after him and his crew, and it took a while. So with that, I was able to estimate where things were going.

Yes, it has been tiring. This gig has been pushing all kinds of buttons, but it hasn’t been a complete wreck. If anything, the GPs frequently consider and take my advice. I sense of the people who report to me or my people are glad we haven’t had huge disruptions. The exception to that are the people who have work karma coming their way, which I had very little do with. I just shrug and tell myself I didn’t make the choices they made.

I sure hope all of what I’m feeling is shedding an old skin, peeling away things that no longer fit me. I hope that what it leads to is… to me feeling better assured that I can handle things.

downwind | upstream