Cafe Hitch-hike

2024-01-22

Find that new normal

This morning, my fear was slamming me all over the place. I almost didn't go into work. What did it for me was, hey, when I'm in a role like this then I gotta get back up. It's like how I felt after my recent deaths: I can't lay down half-dead because I'm still very much alive even if I didn't feel I was. Crawl before I walk, if I must. I just gotta try to stay up and proceed from there.

It's been uncomfortable for me and others see it. I think it has been for all of us. I first had to deal with the shock of actually having more of a voice in this building, and then the surprise of supervising colleagues. I had to wrestle with the fear that I may have to deal with another psychopathic head of the building (they aren't, thank God). Oh, and let's not forget the 101 constant changes on a dime and being the person who has to tell an underachieving crew that it's no longer Miller Time.

I told one of the people I supervise that I felt after our former division head died, it really symbolized a changing of the guard in our building. We really are at a turning point, going the direction to whatever our bigger institution and profession need from us. It is a new chapter. I do believe in our big boss although they can be haphazard, but we are going through a change and it's unfortunate that the change hasn't been smooth. I also told the person that we along with the big boss are the ones that are part of the change, not only them. We're it, too, and it also depends on us. Our big boss is the sheriff, and the division heads like me are their deputies.

Gee, I don't know if that was wise or the biggest bit of bull or both, but like it or not, it doesn't sound too far off and my impressions of things tend to be good. What helped me say this was I heard that employee repeat what I told them to those they supervised, and they seemed fine with it. I was hoping the employee would be able to also tell them these things.

If I completely fuck up at this, in a way, I almost think no one can blame me. Or, if I don't get picked for the permanent position, same thing. I heard the people applying for it are quite experienced and accomplished. Perhaps the building will be better off having someone who doesn't have history so they can be in a better place to crack the whip. At least I could say I held up the fort and tried my best not to break anything.

It's that fear, my worst-best friend and shadow. It's not quite fear of the unknown but a fear from what I've known and experienced. I know all those times are in the past; some of the people involved really were hateful and all of that is part of the dog-eat-dog mentality life sometimes has. I know that sometimes it is inappropriate for me to push back, even when justified, due to arbitrary norms.

Then, there's my own quirks that don't make things easier. Ho boy, I've talked about those enough on these pages.

I was tired, but thankfully the big boss is out all week and I can actually work on getting some work done and perhaps take a breather. We'll see.

I remember at one point that I had to embrace the small and unexpected victories. During an awful day, I took a shortcut through a parking lot and found a CD of music I really liked. I embraced that like a fuzzy kitten.

What can I embrace today? The relative respect of my family; I have a car: My body is mostly functional; I live in a nice place and my home has become a nest; Avery loves me, there's quite a few others who do, too, and that includes friends; I helped my cousins learn more about our lineage; I helped my sisters when they were in pinches; I've had cool experiences. Oh, damn, I'll try to embrace them as much as I can to where it can squeeze out this fear.

Maybe this is me processing what I had held in for so long, all that anger and frustration. Learning that my hunches, even when based in fear, were on the mark. Being a part of dynamics where I didn't have too many choices except for how I handled or responded to them, and having those dynamics be quite difficult for any normal or well-adjusted person. Yeah, perhaps my sensitivity renders me vulnerable to experiencing all of this so deeply as well (ah, sensitivity, that wonderful double-edged sword of mine).

But the shock of the power, this taste I've been having... Once I had it, I realized how little I had and that was a shock and perhaps I'm processing all of this. I sure hope it processes sooner rather than later, and I can just find that new normal.

downwind | upstream