Cafe Hitch-hike

2024-02-05

Restore, reclaim, and accept

In the dream, I was drawing tarot cards. I asked my question for insight and clarity. It was something that really puzzled me although I knew enough about its nuts and bolts.

I drew every card that said, 'it's over. Don't look back because you know everything you needed to know, you saw what you needed to see. There are no more truths to be uncovered or told. You asked the right questions and know what you need to know, and that is good enough. Please move on from this and right now.'

I drew another card, The World. That one means a natural completion as opposed to an abrupt one. A natural completion is like a change of the seasons, when something progresses into another stage before it concludes, and then another starts again. That card also means, 'it's done,' but more like, 'because it simply reached its natural end.'

I very surprised at the answer. I twisted my body from my feet on the stool I sat on, shaking off the surprise but hoping that message sank into my stubborn head.

It was a dream, yet it felt so real, and it really did answer a question that stirred in my head since my former boss died. I wouldn't say I've been obsessive about it, but I started to subtly see things in our relationship and started having new perceptions about her. I then reminded myself of a situation where I didn't get on with certain people as well as I liked where I concluded it was likely it was a good thing. I guess all I really have to do is let it be and don't entertain questions or seek answers.

I've had to reclaim things in my life when they were gone. 'Gone' could mean they left for a variety of reasons, but the 'reclaim' parts implies something was taken without my full consent.

I'm starting to see I need to reclaim something. I don't need to do an autopsy of it. I'm excellent at that shit, like the situation with my former boss, and I find what I needed to know. I'm finally putting names to the situation whereas before it was a glob of emotion or energy inside.

Things are coming my way that are giving me some context. Some things are not completely of my doing, they happen because of a bigger issue at play and one where I didn't have control. However, it's not just giving up and saying it wasn't my deal and blame the issue or situation. It's easy to do, but I'm starting to see I need to go beyond that.

I need to reclaim something else. The situations are over. The only other things that needs to move on is me, and I see the path for doing that rather clearly. I see that the autopsy has been done. Now, it's time to restore myself, restore what I thought had been taken. Restore myself so I am able to embrace what I want to reclaim, and to fully let it back into my life.

I joke I had to reclaim music or places that I loved but reminded me of a relationship or situation gone bad. I had to remind myself that I loved the music/ place beforehand, and I wanted to continue my enjoyment even if I attached someone or something else to it.

I guess I want to reclaim this because-- it really does affect the quality of my life to not have this and in so many ways. I'm trying to tell myself that just because something didn't go right doesn't mean it can't go right again. I try to tell myself that just because I got hurt over something, I am able to mend whatever it is (and perhaps live with a sensitivity here and there that I need to be aware of having). I need to reclaim this part of me that had been skewered because I know it's going to affect my life in the days to come if I don't.

Yeah, well perhaps if I'm able to lay some things to rest, I'll be free to doing this restore/ reclaim work, and perhaps be able to let go of things I'm not aware of. I can hope so.

And then, I'm realizing there's some things that can't be restored or reclaimed. They are the way they are. For whatever reason, I simply have to accept there is something I am unable to change and don't have the power to do that. If that's the case, then a big dose of acceptance needed more than any other remedy.

At least if I tried and tried, then I'd know for sure.

downwind | upstream