Cafe Hitch-hike

2024-02-03

Sacred reciprocity

I had to confront my sister Big Momma about her-- treating me like her ATM. Owing me almost 2 Grand. Calling me only when she needed money. The last substantial text I got from her was Christmas Day when she didn't start her text with a greeting but, 'can I borrow $20?' 'Borrow' implies an intention to pay back. I ignored her text, but had to say something for this last request.

I've talked about this with others, and that's just the way it goes in situations like these. Things are different for me right now. My sis manages her money near-identical to her father and God knows how much money he owed his sisters when he died. I hope for a more active relationship with my siblings, think of them having blessings and what they need, and try to help when I can. I don't do this to pay for a relationship with them, it's something I do because I'd like to help. However, there's not much of an exchange beyond that.

I just had to draw a line. I've had multiple people, including very gentle-hearted ones, tell me I needed to put a halt to this. Once my sister's adult kids started asking me for money, someone gave me the same advice and said my sister was likely directing them to me.

My sis has a reputation for being very stingy, and back in the day she'd loan money to people with an outrageous interest rate. It makes me cringe because she takes after her father and his family. I'd needed something small (even something like a 7-mile ride) and they'd act like I was asking for $100 or wouldn't help. It basically taught me early in life not to ask for things and to figure things out myself because they either came with a big price or it would be ignored. Thank goodness most of my friends are not that way!

A friend of mine helped his siblings when they were young adults and after their parents had died. The big difference was he and his siblings worked together towards certain things, where mine is a case where they mostly take. After my friend told me about that, I murmured my siblings (and mother) wouldn't think twice about draining me. I thought I was exaggerating after I said that, but I'm sad to see it's largely true.

Anyhoo... my mother had been gradually facing some reckonings. I don't know if I said it here, but she woke up to them because she realizes her options for living with her adult children are not as cushy as she thought. I refuse to take her as long as she's able-bodied, she is not proud of my brother or his lifestyle, and living with the other sisters would be rather problematic. I won't list the reckonings, over time, it seems karma is very real but it's not an issue of punishment. In the long run, we really do get what we give.

One of the big takeaways in my spiritual studies was the concept of sacred reciprocity. It posits that we get back what we give, but also that the exchange is what makes the world (and us) go around. I just remembered looking at my mother and her siblings, and concluding all of that was real.

Reckonings... She has talked to me about some. She seems like she is trying to grasp them (beyond comprehending them) but realizing that doing so would mean she'd have to take some responsibility over things that happened. She blames some of her decisions other people, and I just shake my head.

I just think of what I know about her and how she had similar occurrences of being silenced and powerless in many situations as I had, and then it seems a denial of responsibility followed. She admitted as much when she explained to me why we moved a lot: "what did I know? I was 26 years old and no one told me I had to pay rent if I wanted to live in a house!" She went on to admit she'd use rent and food money at times when she felt like getting her party on.

I guess as I write all of this, I think of what's happening in my own life and what I can see about others. I know I have hard feelings about my mother's forms of neglect and the current nature of my relationships with some of my family. I do see the dynamic and forgive as much as I can; in my experience, forgiveness is usually not a one-time thing but something that has to happen multiple times. However, the other side of forgiveness is setting boundaries, meaning not to let certain things keep happening. Otherwise, what is the point of forgiving? It allows someone to keep being a shit, and for that forgiveness really only be a blank check for mistreatment or abuse that drains someone (unless they somehow get something out of it).

Despite all that's happened between my mother and us, I talk to her more regularly than the other siblings and help her during holidays and her birthday. I'd say our current relationship is quite good, and we can even have genuinely cheerful conversations and exchanges. I guess we've been able to have a relationships despite it all, I do still love her very much, but I had to set some boundaries so she wasn't going to keep robbing me of my energy and other things.

For whatever reason, the reciprocity had been way askew between my family for a very long time and it had very real effects on me. It's on me to say, 'I love you, but hey, don't strip or exploit me!'

I just am so grateful for the people I've met throughout life who had it in them to show and give me much different experiences. I even laugh about the unexpected situations that showed me this, but still embrace them.

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