Cafe Hitch-hike

2020-06-18

Like a campfire

I really wanted to see my mother and was a bit disappointed that she opted to visit Michigan instead. I can't take it personally too easily because I know she's still deliberating about whether or not she'll move there. She wants to see if my sis Bre is serious about getting shared housing because they both can use the help with having a roommate (although these rooming situations rarely go well or last very long). I just was so surprised at my reaction towards it, but now I see why.

This whole pandemic's done a lot to our thinking on individual levels, and probably in ways we don't even know. I didn't know I'd get so upset that I didn't get to see her. Some atypical blend seasoned the hell out of those feelings. They consisted of pandemic; a terse reminder of our mortality; 101 assorted unknowns in the world that will impact ours; a terse reminder of the mortality of others; stay-home orders; a recent violent death of a young woman in the family.

I was about to head up there for a long weekend while Mom was there. It would be nice to be by the campfire of people who fully know me as anyone could, and we have shared history. It's nice to look into the face of someone with parallel or very close stories, and be in the present. Familiarity feels rather precious to me. That's why I make the trips to family during the holidays.

In terms of the pandemic restrictions, I understand we had to do what had to be done, so I'm not complaining about that. It's just that it shows us how social we really are and that we literally need each other to feel normal. People were freaking out because they couldn't be in contact with others, and yeah, some started doing very stupid things.

It would had been nice to see family during a time like this. It's almost for the same reason we all got together last summer. They also did this when my niece died last October**, except I wasn't there. I didn't go this time, again. I waited too long to decide to do it. I saw it was too expensive to go for a short time AND quite risky, so I decided not to go. It's just-- I felt bad about that. I didn't know how much I really missed them. When most of my family is one place with my mother, it's a rare moment and I missed it. In normal circumstances, I probably would not had felt this way.

My mentor advised me to have these 3 things in mind when I'm about to interact with them over the distance: I miss you, I love you, and I want to be in touch. Even if I can't be near them, at least make those 3 things known to them.

**I didn't go to it; I just wasn't up for another funeral, and... I didn't want to be around the toxicity. I guess I feel a little bad for not being present, but I didn't want to be around people getting wasted. This wasn't in my head because someone posted a recording before the funeral with a bunch of my relatives in the funeral home parking lot getting blazed. I guess that's normal for them, but I just didn't want to be around it.

downwind | upstream