Cafe Hitch-hike

2020-09-18 glad for a lot of what I don't

Well, well... I enjoyed some Middle Eastern morsels tonight. Thanks to the local Jewish population, we have quite a few of those restaurants in the vicinity. This place does quite the job with smoking and roasting the eggplant they put in their baba ghanoush. I've had all kinds when I lived in the midwest, but this is the winner! I don't know if the eggplant is roasted in a seasoned oil or if a seasoned, special type of oven does it (maybe it's like Indian naan bread that bakes on an inside surface of a stove with particular attributes). I also need to remind myself that I splurged and got a generous-sized piece of pistachio baklava. I haven't eaten it yet!

I then winded down at the Pisco Sour Patio Lounge and Discotheque (pending nickname for my patio). I have a nice red from the Russian River, CA (don't have the egg to make a pisco sour, and never get the cheap bottle of pisco). I also have a nice acquisition from the local dispensary. I saw a new blend by a country western band from the 1970s, and hell yeah I bought it! How could I turn down a strain by the guys that brought us Let your love grow? The Bellamy Brothers called it 'Reggae Cowboy.'

The vet specialist said Puppy Dog can take 5-minutes walks and increase those by adding 5 more minutes every week for the next month. I was already letting her walk that long because she really wanted to go outside. I still only allow these times because sometimes she doesn't want to walk. She'll stand, smile, but not really move. She never minds when I pick her up. I also have to check to sure she's fully clean after we come in from the outside.

This dog has been a life companion to me. I definitely want to get another dog in the future, and probably another mini-dachshund. I love this dog so much and now she's becoming a little old lady.

Even though my concentration was bad this week, I still managed to pull off some minor coups with my job. I gave a live, online presentation on new content that was well-received. I worked hard on preparing because it was new, and I was go glad I was given 2 low-stakes forums to rehearse it (such a good thing!). It had a decent audience at one point. Later in the week, I later fielded some interesting questions from people regarding other aspects of my work and those led me to some ideas I immediately liked. I just had to iron out some details.

Wow, so the stuff I put out there was noticed it and useful? All right!! Considering I've been in this role for the past 7 months and in the thick of a pandemic, I ended the workweek feeling rather content for what's been able to be done.

The other interesting thing is my supervisor also has gotten some ideas, and she seems to be into it. That's a nice thing to feel for once.

I'm still terrified of someone in the library who will go undescribed. Ok, not terrified but wondering what they will do because they are so unpredictable. It's nice to finally feel a bit of a streak on the job and feel rather happy about it... it's like, 'please don't piss on my parade.'

This past July, I described releasing rituals where I left others with the secrets they left me. I started doing this gradually during last summer's psychedelic retreats. In the visualizations, no one ever took back their secrets, so I told them I left them in a desolate spot in the woods. The secrets can blow away, disintegrate from rain and sun, get eaten, burn, or melt into the soil, it didn't matter.

Then, last month before my birthday, this thought entered my mind during a meditation: 'many situations and people are gone. They are far away, in the past, and the people are either dead or very removed . I think certain secrets of others and the attached scenarios I had to be a part of are expired. They are null. Even if someone mentioned it, there wouldn't be much about it because it was a long time ago, and the places and people are mostly gone. Even if there are memories, they either faded or became insignificant.'

At first, I thought of just releasing secrets I got from others, and then it seemed my attention shifted towards people who were even closer to me. The secret of a friend is different than a secret that belongs to someone closer in your life; I'm talking family-unit or blood relatives. There was a different feeling in a releasing ritual for the latter. The ritual was so heavy and emotional, and took a lot of energy. I was usually exhausted afterward.

Soon after this, I dreamed my stepfather and mother were together and younger. I didn't know if I was a teenager (they looked like how I remembered when I was 14) or my current age. The SF was angry at me, had a handgun and wanted to kill me! There was a little tussle and I ended up with the gun. I stood near him and aimed at him. I'm a decent shot and I could had ended it right there, but I aimed low and shot him in his leg, just above the knee and towards the inside of his leg.

I knew the shot wouldn't hit an artery or bone, it was mostly tendons. I figured he'd feel pain during a slow recovery and also some after he'd walk again. I wanted him to have a lingering reminder of what happened because he was such a prick to us, but I didn't want to kill him.

I almost never have violent dreams like that. When my mentor asked me about the dream, he asked how I felt. In the dream and after I took the shot, I stood a little tall, like, 'what!?' No one thought I'd do it, but I did. I then felt a little worried; he might be more intentional the next time he wanted to shoot me. I didn't even pay attention to my mother.

I took out the clip and kept the gun. Maybe I'd need the one bullet if one remained in the chamber, hah. I walked past them and before I left the house, I turned to my stepfather, hoping that it would make him think twice about doing that again. If the gunshot didn't convince him, then maybe the shock of it or having a painful gait would.

There I was, keeping secrets. Sometimes they had a protective function, but most of the time, getting the involuntarily acquired and kept secrets was like battery or an occasional assault to the psyche. Now, the secrets have expired. I don't need them or to carry them. Maybe I managed to deliver them back to him, but just not as nice as leaving them somewhere in the woods.

I was feeling a bit heavy this week, all things considering. There's a new normal to come, the one we had isn't coming back and that's probably part of the grief most of us in pandemic areas are feeling. Things are ok here, but it's natural to feel a little worried or concerned. Heck, perhaps there's a new normal because of certain things I've been trying to shed.

I think I'll wrap up the night with some baklava and a little milk. Just embrace what I've got, be glad for a lot of what I don't...

downwind | upstream