Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-07-02

Consolation prizes

I once joked about this to Maribell, an oceanographer I used to swim with:

Xanadu Tech (our employer) is like a boyfriend you can't stand. They barely give you just enough to get by, but really leave you wanting. You want to leave, but you just can't because you know there's worse out there. There's just enough love to keep you from hating them, but you seem to feel the hate or loathing a lot more.

She quietly giggled, almost like 'oh, no you didn't,' but she agreed. I guess working for XT is a professional version of trauma bonding.

I write this because during our series of meetings this morning, I got the robo-notice from the third job for which I applied. No, I was not accepted for the position. No matter how fabulously the interviews went, Yours Truly was not offered the damn job for the 5th or 6th time I've applied there.

I definitely had a strike against me because it was actually a step backwards in terms of rank and responsibility when compared to the job I currently have.
Also, my now-job is considered one of the 'hot' or 'it' jobs within my field (that already suffers from boredom to most people outside of it). People probably wondered why the fuck I'd want to go backwards (especially since it's been going remarkably all right). Well that was none of their damn business.

I wanted an easier job so I could get additional credentials and make my jump out of my field (edu-bu-cation, as we jokingly say in the States). I wanted to go to law school. I could do a lot more in that field than the one I'm in. I dislike my profession because all we seem to do is bicker and whine (gee, and it's a predominantly female one), and I've been uninspired from it for quite some time. I wish I could put my talents to better use elsewhere, and actually be a little out there with people doing things rather than be stuck in a dusty old building with henpecking. I could do so much more in another profession! I'd love to go back into teaching, but they've just killed that profession in most places.

As my people say, 'it just wasn't meant to be.' Sure. I have other reasons for not wanting to stay with Xanadu Tech (like they're guaranteed to give me lots of responsibility and expectations, but zero support or raises). My building is freaking haunted, too. The weird thing is every time I've tried to leave that wonderful place, something kind of cool usually comes of it. A new project, new ideas, or collaborators, usually. I often get some sort of consolation prize, like losing contestants on game shows.

Well I'll get another consolation prize in the form of a visit from Huck this month. I sent him pics of Michigan because he had interests in what I did up there, and we've messaged each other back and forth a bit since then. It's been nothing emotional or affectionate, but cerebral and almost dry (which he tended to be anyhow, I can't believe I'm the lighter-hearted one in this duo).

It was easy to recall what we had (something dream-like) and that he was very evasive. I guess the best recourse is to enjoy his company, but draw lines and not get too emotionally involved (if the last part is possible, I will see). We liked each other and had a mutual attraction, but things in our lives were really complicated for a full relationship.

I think it was March where I felt the long-distance thing was a bit much and he said after we split that maybe we could be casual. Well, in the past 3 years, I've seemed to do better with that anyhow until it gets old, one of us commits to someone else, or we commit to each other (the first 2 usually happened). It seems to work best with my avoidant- anxious attachment style anyhow (hah) and how noncommittal most people seem to be nowadays.

downwind | upstream