Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-10-31

Sometimes we need to see things from a different angle

Wow, it's amazing when people confirm that someone I knew to be a ______ (fill in with an expletive that describes a person) was much more of one than I thought. They also gave me details for things I knew happened, I just didn't know specifics. They also confirmed where many of my perceptions were true and I didn't even mention them. Maybe I shouldn't say I'm amazed but rather saddened and even somewhat stunned.

Sometimes we need to see things from a different angle to see what they were really like.

The family vacay: at least I can say it was excellent and we had some fun. My mother and I were on good terms, but I know I'll be sorting through that for a while. She really is aging, she can't drink as much as she used to. She still is looking for a place to co-habit and notices we (my siblings) aren't budging.

I'm so glad to feel like I wasn't in charge of squat or really responsible for anyone but myself. My mom even got her drink on more than once, yet we were ok. No drama, no fights, she respected my boundaries, and we happily passed out after visiting my bro Deebo and cousin Drew after we (and my sister and her entourage) reveled at their farmhouse.

I now understand why I felt the way I did whenever I'd see my siblings. My mentor and I described it as complex grief. I know I can't take on the pain of others, I know others have their own free will and bla bla blah, but I can't just pretend that my siblings' suffering just rolls off my back. In a way, a lot of theirs was more amplified than mine, but I guess what hurt me the most was to see them largely repeat everything we saw. I don't feel it nearly as much as I used to, yet I see it's still there. However, I remind myself of the current year, that their father is deceased, and that so much has changed to anchor me in the now, and to drift a bit away from that past.

I need to write some prompts for my sister to write her victim impact statement for whenever on earth her daughter's homicide reaches the court. I told my sister I'd give her some questions, and she can verbally answer them for me to transcribe. I'll then give her a draft, and then she can help me edit it. Her victim's advocate gave her an example from a 2014 case, so I'll use that to organize my questions so my sis can best introduce our departed and how it effected her life.

downwind | upstream