Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-11-13

Alibi

I'm not fond of nights like this where I lay awake. I had a float tonight that relaxed my body and I tried not to fall asleep too early when I got home cos I figured this would happen.

I learned an esteemed colleague died in his sleep at age 55 and right before the pandemic. It was mentioned in a meeting and I blurted my surprise. He left behind a wife of 24 years and 2 daughters.

Winter the Dolphin also died, and I cried. When we were in Clearwater Beach, I had hoped to see her but she wasn't available while we were there 3 weeks ago. Maybe her troubles began then. There's that, and I admit my reverence for the ocean and those who call it home has increased, even to a point where I feel horrible when I read about and see its destruction. I can attribute that to growing up as a tree hugger, watching Cousteau, and my own ocean adventures.

One of my paternal half-sisters dragged me into the middle of a deception she tried pulling over her hubby over a solo trip she's about to take. He eventually learned she wasn't going to visit me this month as she claimed and I don't know how he took that. She never told me about that part of her alibi (coming to see me) because she was going elsewhere. I like him and I wasn't about to lie for her, but I played dumb with some facts ('gee, I told her I couldn't take time off in November. I told her and our other sister to feel free to travel without me. Maybe they made plans?').

The uncool thing is all of this echoes what happened at the end of her first marriage (which took 5 years to end). This time, I choose to stay the fuck in my own damn lane and stay away from her drama as far as I can. I've seen enough of her evasiveness and that she won't change her mind once she's got it set on something. I've kept my distance from her since a frosty holiday visit I had with her 2 years ago; we didn't argue but I felt enough wicked vibes in that house to leave 2 days early (and ended up having great times with a hike and then with my mother and her siblings).

It appears than a condition that hit the females in my family is about to hit me. I diagnosed myself and have to see a doctor to fix it. The pelvic walls weaken with age. I never gave birth and my weight is managed, so I was hoping it would bypass me but alas. I even made sure I wasn't pregnant since I had a near-identical sensation when I once was. Oh, the perils of genes and female aging.

Of course, it freaked me out to imagine that I will eventually need a minor surgery for this. I hate the health care system. When I read about what it would take, I felt better, but I was nervous as hell about having to go in, especially with more news about deaths. Then, the dream I had 2 years ago and right before the pandemic freaked me out: I was told by 2 people I was going to die and then I sawa crowd of people enter a cave; I said, 'no thanks, not yet!' A recollection of that dream conveniently came to me.

The bigger deal is this surgery disruption holiday plan or 2.

Oh my... and my friend in London really wants me to come. The travel restrictions have been lifted but they are having another wave. I feel so bad because he has end-stage cancer, and he feels bad because he is having more trouble with pain and mobility (which are never good signs) and he may not be able to be a good host. The deal is he can't be, it's called being infirm and it would be my visiting like a patient in a hospital or care home. I told him I understand his concerns but that I would still see him.

Oh my God, I just don't want to keep putting this off because I don't know how long he can go on. I want to at least give him one more holiday because I think that is what he wants more than anything.

And finally, I extracted myself from the energy group I was in and talked with the leader about that. The energy between people within the group was helter skelter and it was a good thing I bowed out. The leader and I talked about my own responses to working with the energies and we agreed for me to step away.

And how was your week?

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