Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-12-12

Pretty much fix myself and by myself

I sit in my breakfast lounge. My ridiculously easy pigs in blankets are getting the final blast of heat, and I sip my third cup of coffee. Yesterday, I finally cleaned the house and gave it a deep cleaning. Next, I'll be scrubbing the rug that my dog so graciously peed on multiple times (and I love that damn rug, and I still love the dog, too). Then, I'll be folding the laundry and making lists of stuff I can do around my house during my vacation and holiday.

I decided not to go to Texas again for the holiday. It's going to be really weird to go there without the TX Steampunk King and also Jimbob. We still don't know how King died (but bless his soul), while J. moved out of state. He sold his house in Pflugerville, an Austin suburb, and earned a modest profit in the ballpark of $200K; needless to say, he's settling into Kentucky quite nicely and didn't have trouble with the recent tornadoes.

As much as I'd love to see my niece, I just don't get a good feeling about visiting. I'm still not tickled that my sister used me as an alibi for her off-the-grid vacation, and I think her husband suspected something before he asked me. If they're having trouble in their marriage, I don't want to be in the middle of it and especially during a holiday; I didn't completely cover for my sister, but it definitely left me in a pickle.

I'm also still taken aback by how cold she acted and the bad vibe I got during the last time I visited. I don't want to put that much time and effort in going someplace where I have to constantly steer around others' bullshit. There's that, and it's very unfair when a person doesn't want to say what's really on their mind. I can't interact with my sister when she speaks only when she damn well chooses and tells me only what she wants me to hear.

A highlight of my visit to Texas is visiting people, and I often meet new ones when I go. I actually like visiting others to see what's happening with others and to catch up, and to be somewhere I don't get to see all the time. I like the road trips for that reason, too. Maybe I should do that, but just take family out of the equation. I deserve a little vacay, yes?

I'm actually a bit tired from the travel this year combined with pandemic and relationship (grief) fatigue. Let's see, 2 trips to see my brother and family near Tampa, one road trip to Michigan. I spent 2 of my family trips with my mother in tow, and my sisters came over after my birthday. I'd say it's a fine time for a break.

I'd sure love a nice visitor during my break, one whose issues I can handle (hah) and who won't trash my house. Someone I can sip coffee with, take walks, and just relax. I was actually considering inviting my mother over for a long weekend. Maybe I can invite my sis Big Momma; I heard she quit her job and she never goes anywhere.

Work sweet work. I guess I'll cry privately about that. I'm just glad I have a job while all public forms of education are undergoing divestment. I guess public education was a grand experiment of the 20th century. The commencement speaker at my teacher's college graduation was right; he said my generation was going to have to reassert the value of education, but now I think it also includes and women's and civil rights.

Look at the smaller picture: I still have a damn job.

The soothsayers say we're in for interesting things with a very long Venus retrograde. It's a review of things we love, value, and how we express those things, but with Pluto, it's going to more like plumbing the depths (or burning shit to the ground because that's the better way to go). It can possibly mean a return of things and people for review, and it better be as real as it can get.

Timmy's such a dweeb. Every so often he claims he wants a relationship with me and this week was one of them. I've been using a combination of truth ('I'm not feeling it at all') and also I shrug it off ('you've got a type you're looking for and there's plenty of that around here... you're an attractive guy with a lot going for you and you'll find it'). T's friends and I agreed he liked them blond, tall, thin, alpha, and with money (alimony, old money, or earned) and that he was very willing to date or commit with older ones if they had it. Maybe I need to give him one of those real as it gets replies, like what I did for Prof. Felipe got in touch this past July. I told him something like this (with some of these points ones he made in the past):

I was expecting another message right about now, and I just don't understand why. The connection was haphazard. The communication was poor. We were in different phases of our lives. You said you don't do commitment. I guess I can add the sex typically felt empty... Please do us both a favor and forget about me.

Rafael wants to have a talk soon, and I'm sorting out what I'd say for that. I was very insecure with that relationship, and... I found that the type of life I wanted was unsustainable. Oh, that last part is very complicated and that part wasn't at all Rafa's part or doing; he simply walked into what was probably the beginning of my midlife crisis (hah). I don't blame him for the committed part of the relationship ending; if anything, it all gave me a too-real view of everything I had been running from and trying to hide for so long, and I couldn't keep it up. I had to go and... pretty much fix myself and by myself.

downwind | upstream