Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-12-13

A little sibling evasiveness

One of the things I could not stand about a good friend of mine was the level of secrecy that went on in their family. One of the phrases I often heard was to not tell a sensitive member of their family certain happenings or truths, and I got so annoyed after a while. There's one thing to be tactful about telling truths, and to say something from the right place when it's not easy to hear (there's a different between saying it with a mean or hurtful spirit rather than caring). Sometimes soft-pedaling it might help. But, I felt strange to hear not to tell this person something quite often.

We definitely had secrets in my family, and we were often told not to tell others. However, we silently lived with a common knowings and understandings. I discovered I shared many of these with my younger siblings even as adults in our 30s and 40s. We'd even quietly share them one-on-one, give it air for us to figure something out, share, or even problem solve or resolve (yes, my siblings and I have been able to do this quite a bit). Then, the knowing would drift back into that ether.

My sis Princ and I had been quite close, but there were things we kept from each other. I guess they call that privacy. I suppose as we'd talk about things and our lives down the road, we'd reveal a little fact we never mentioned when it happened. I started to notice over the years that she'd tell me facts about a situation she never mentioned and what she finally disclosed gave me a more full picture about what really went on. It got to a point where I started to-- doubt her. Even when she'd tell me something, I started to think I was only getting the part of the story she wanted me to hear. Then, I found myself in at least 2 situations where she literally was sneaking around and either I was her confidant about what she was doing, or recently, an alibi.

I finally told her I would not be visiting her this holiday because things seemed unpredictable, my dog isn't travelling well lately, and I felt uncomfortable with visiting after she told her husband she was going to visit me when her plan was to go to the opposite side of the country (and after telling me she didn't want to be tracked). She then claimed he knew her plans the whole time. When I asked why he thought she was coming to see me, she said he got confused but everything's cleared up.

And, I doubted her. It added up. I heard her 16 year old daughter was sneaking around and got burner phones so her messages and other posts couldn't be seen. Her other daughter admitted she often lied to get her older half-brother in trouble. Kids and especially teens can be secretive and tell fibs to get each other in trouble, but it was really something how it happened a lot in her family.

I didn't debate my sister on any of the facts, I just sat with the disjointed ones I got in the past month. It's possible that maybe her husband got confused about where Princ was spending her vacation, but some of the things she told me before he asked was strange. I also found it surprising that Princ didn't seem to want to clear things up; we've been able to have some serious talks to clear the air, but it didn't seem like this was going to happen.

I'm still rather burned by the Christmas from 2 years ago. I still don't understand why my sister avoided me the whole holiday and refused to talk to me about anything (even when I told her how I was feeling, to which she flatly said, "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm sorry you feel that way"). It felt so cold and awful that I ended my visit 2 days early. It just really stuns me that I made the visit, went that way, and she wouldn't even do the minimum to try to clear the air. I must admit that it made me feel dismissed and discarded. But, I now see it's the way she operates. She tells me what she wants me to know and leaves it at that, and when she doesn't want to speak, she indefinitely snaps shut.

I am very, very, very sick of it. What I hate the most about it is when the relationship goes completely on her own terms. How can one communicate with that dynamic in play? What can be done? My sister and I have had our ups and downs over the years and our cold snaps. We have communicated very little in the last 2 years. I wish for something better, and yet I don't understand what's gone wrong.

I just remember that the last time I visited, I thought to myself that I really put a lot of effort to be with her and to fit in her world during the visit, and I saw very little being reciprocated. I thought to myself that I didn't need to keep doing that if I could barely get a conversation out of her whenever we spent time together. When Rafael and I spent a holiday with her a few years ago, he noticed this and found it strange, especially when he and I spent a day sightseeing without her or anyone else since she didn't want to join (the alternative was to stay home, watch movies, and go to the store, which we did with them the days before and after that one).

I guess strife makes itself even more obvious during the holidays when everyone is supposed to get together and have a Norman Rockwell kind of gathering. I know there is love someplace, but the best I can do to fully feel it without serious strain is to stay home and just hope for the best.

Finally, I absolutely hate when I stand alone in a weird truth or perhaps my warped perception about something.

Well here's to sitting in my warped and/ or knowing truths by myself. I can list at least a few I was aware of, and steering away from them usually saved me from something ridiculous later on. Wish I could say that for the people who had to be close to what I noticed.

It's very hard to be open and receptive to a world filled with people who only show what works for their benefit and advantage. It's very hard to believe in people when they withhold things that may bite me in the face. I'm no angel or innocent, but I hate having to see this again and again in my life.

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