Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-12-06

Entrance ticket

I never thought the various insanities I noticed were actually part of a larger weakening of a glue that held things together. In the spring of 2019, I assisted a graduate student and at the end of our talk, she said with a quiver in her voice and a look of fear, "don't you see that the energy that keeps order in our society is dissolving, and that we'll soon be in a time of major rupture? That our continuum of time and space will be disrupted?"

Another colleague assisted her a day or 2 before I did. It was obvious she was having a psychiatric issue, so the colleague and I followed protocol and called a Grand Pubah of students who was to talk to her to evaluate if she would be harm to herself or others. She stopped taking her medication and was encouraged to start, but the GP didn't believe she would be a harm. I don't know what became of that student, but definitely hope she was alright or became stabilized.

Maybe that student was right? Things seem to get more strange the further we go.

I guess I better learn to cope (ah, self-care!) and cry in private (and lately, people are making crying in public more often, including in a live, online meditation I viewed a few weeks ago). Certain things are out in the open now, and plenty of people want to put the lid back on. Well, well, it's always been said that certain things can't be unseen or undone once they're out. Guess we better live with those the best we can.

I'm terrified at what we are seeing around us. So it's ok for certain people to be heavily harmed, but it's not for others to get together to protest peacefully. It's ok for certain people to steal without consequence, but it's not ok for others to defend themselves from such theft. It's ok for certain people to spew hatred and violence out of their mouth, but it's not for others to give opinion that does neither. I'm also scared with the legal decisions about reproductive rights, to say the bare least.

A part of me feels hope that certain things can't get covered once they're unveiled. I think about the example of my cousin Drew's family where many near-open secrets were uncorked. It left a huge mess and was destructive mainly because those responsible claimed none, continued to rant denials, and got abusive in different ways (kind of like what's going on in our world now). But, life did go on in its own way despite the fallout.

I told Timmy a couple of months ago I still had feelings for Huck although it was best H. and I stayed apart and out of contact. I'm getting to a point where I appreciate that we are apart. Sometimes it's really best that way (especially as I anticipate my life would had been a million times more complicated if my birth father was actively in it).

My mentor asked me about that last week, and we had another one of those talks about love. I remember we had a similar talk earlier this year about another relationship, and this one had the same effect. I guess love doesn't stop just because people are no longer together or even in contact. It's like enjoying a song, work of art, or other thing well after the first time we had seen it and started our connection or appreciation for it. Love leaves behind a radioactive pellet within us.

Of course, we have to stay in the present and not allow ourselves to get stuck in that memory, time, place, or even relic that reminds us. But, it's there and nothing changes what happened in that time, place, or person.

Thanks, Huck. Look what stayed behind. If you wonder if I think of you, the answer is 'yes' with a combination of mild grief and yet happiness. I told my mentor that the 'happiness' part actually comes from thinking of benign things: sipping coffee on my patio, walking someplace next to you and holding your hand.

And yet, I know at some point that stuck, stubborn or even natural part of this will fade. I know I've done all I could to distance myself or redirect my energy without being completely OCD about it and also without denying a damn thing. I just goes its own damn course like everything else that has interacted with this heart of mine.

I do see certain things much differently with time, and I don't see that relationship as a disaster. I'm appreciating even the delusional, evasive parts of it. In a recent meditation, the notion came to me: it happened because it was finally possible for the both of us. We had done things in life that got us to that point and it wouldn't had been very possible before then; the pandemic and its fallout also assisted greatly. Perhaps it was an entrance ticket to something else we'll encounter in our respective lives, or maybe I'm just fucking delusional and gripping at straws to lessen the loss.

downwind | upstream