Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-02-06

Thin skinned

I lost multiple people who had birthdays at this time of the year. I also had significant relationships begin or end at this time. With that in mind, I suppose it's normal to be weepy and thin skinned at this time. Poor Rafa had to see the weepy part. If he still loves me despite my life, maybe he can still love me despite me pretty much being bi-polar.

I talked with Detroit Chris about Rafa. He asked me twice to confirm I wasn't trying again with Huck. Chris then told me he would have a serious talk with me if it were. I gotta appreciate someone who can keep it real.

Thin skinned, that's me right now. I guess some things are like a video game, I have multiple plays to get something right before I can really move ahead. That would be me and this fucking fear that I've avoided all my life. I used to think it was something else, and I was in my 40s when I figured out what it really all was and where it was from. I get so angry when I see what it kept me from doing and how the fear warped my perceptions about so many things.

If I don't work with it, I already know it will never go away. It will only show up elsewhere. Running isn't a sustainable option. I just keep praying for the strength or wherewithal to do this.

There's days when it is so hard for this brain of mine to turn off or down and count my blessings. I'm not dead, dying or in dire straits. Objectively life is good yet this brain has this autoimmune disorder that flares. I don't think I've inflicted too much on people. I've avoided a lot of life to manage it yet it's not an ideal option and I don't want to keep up the avoidance.

I love these nights where I wake after hours of sleep. Might as well scrap this fucking night.

downwind | upstream