Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-03-28

Tuesday, Tuesday

*Some morose thoughts* I'm still alive despite all going on around us. It makes me smirk that I really only started to care about dying about 6 months before covid. Before that, I always had the attitude that I lived my life so I'd pass whenever. I was afraid of poverty and unemployment more than death, and I wonder how those types of fears impacted my decisions. The more I seemed to evade death (even when in conditions that made it more possible), the more I was convinced God, the Universe or whatever wasn't going to let me go anywhere until they were ready. I'm not undergoing suicidal ideation at this moment or remotely feeling that way, I also felt it was highly likely I'd live regardless.

Then, I think of those whose lives changed so drastically to where it was like a death. They could no longer live their lives the way they had been because-- it was impossible. They couldn't work, they had less freedom, their thinking or even physical movement had been restricted. It's thoughts like this that make me embrace everything I have, even down to my defeats, mistakes, blind spots, and the merde that makes me piss and moan but really aren't big deals in the broader scheme of things.

Rafa's going to Colombia for work. Hahah, it sounds a little sketchy, eh? It is legitimate work, actually. He'll be gone for 3 days and I already miss him badly!

Post-op is still a state of recovery. There's really no conclusive timetable for it. I guess as long as I allow my body to heal, it cooperates, I think good thoughts, and take care of it, then that's the best I can do. My energy levels are still 66%. I had a guest this weekend (Jimbob and his 2 doggies), and as much as I enjoyed the company and simple entertaining, I was still tired and slept the morning he left. I can do all the things I do around the house, but then comes the brake. I stop, rest, and stay put. I don't even wiggle around much when I sit, and didn't realize how much did until I realized how much I didn't want to.

I can still appreciate the strength my body still possesses (though stunted thanks to the 2 meshes over my groin muscles). My friend Carlo the German told me what I feel is frustration, and advises me to take it easy, listen to my body, and don't push things. I still do very small mounts of exercise (and I mean small) as a little challenge, and with the hope that just the right amount of stress will help the healing.

I now possess medical devices. I thought this and so did a couple of others that maybe I'll now have super powers. I kinda resemble Wonder Woman (hahaha) at my best anyhow. I also thought of RoboCop, hahaha.

It's off to work I go. We are in the process of interviewing new grand pubahs (or heads) of my building. We pray we'll find one who's-- perfect. Someone who can work with the organization administrators who frankly think the dismal money they give to us can be better spent elsewhere. Someone who can magically heal the years of horrible leadership and infighting. Someone who I once read in an article is, "a Nobel-prize winning, big funding acquiring best all around empath." Someone who isn't psychotic, a micromanager, cliquish or hateful. Wooo... Good luck!

Why didn't I apply? I don't have the endurance, support, or the advanced degree to even where people would acknowledge my presence when I walk into a room (that's higher ed for y'all, even worse if you're an off-White woman). I'm aging and I gained weight, so some of my looks have faded. Can't ride on that anymore (hah), and my charm comes out when the atmospheric conditions and celestial alignments are just right. Oh, yeah, and I really wasn't interested in this point in my career.

My dog will be so upset because she was loving the era of remote work and also half-time work. I have to keep her in the crate while I'm gone otherwise she'll make big messes everywhere; she's not as anxious as she used to be but can be with separation which she never really got over, even when I did what the vet and behaviorist said. Well, well... I heard of good calming treats I can give her if I can find the good mix with her doggy biochemistry.

downwind | upstream