Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-04-08

Trajectory or Downward Spiral (Continued)

I was reminded once again about how something can go from very bad to worse. It's the opposite of a trajectory. It's more like a downward spiral.

I am morbidly glad this happened in my professional life rather than with my family or personal life (hah).

(Continued) We are in the process of hiring a new grand pubah of our building, and it's uncovering quite a lot of things that had been going on in our building. Some were in the know and I definitely intercepted some silent utterances, but otherwise it was largely undercover and known by very few.

Many of those silent utterances turned out to be true, and more people in the building found out this past week. In a sub-division meeting this morning, everyone fell short of weeping from some of those bigger hard truths, even the administrators.

I really had to process a lot this evening, so I went to the levee to sink my woes deep under the sawgrass. At least I saw a gorgeous sunset and Marley the mini-hot dog accompanied me on the walk; she was just as happy about it as I. At least I could feel the cooling spring air and see the pink, dusky sky. I had a single puff at the car before I took my mini-hike; it was plenty for me.

So, back to work. The weeping and hard truths reflected stunning levels of our former GP's neglect, incompetence, mistrust, and disdain towards-- everything. People. Their job. Their peers. How they did things. Gee, I remember a really inflammatory unsigned pretend-letter I wrote towards them after the George Floyd riots and the GP's support of that, and that summarizes my thoughts of them. The former GP really deepened a rot that set in our building. I've known for a while that our building had an iffy rep, but we also learned that our former GP accelerated that rot and poisoned many relationships. The guardrails that were supposed to be in place to keep that from happening were gone. Why should I be so surprised? Hasn't that been happening in so many other places in my country?

I left work feeling overwhelmed by the news and especially by the verification the not so flattering news. I'm a part of that building, I play a part though I didn't make the bigger decisions or was in on the big conversations. The former GP made it clear they didn't like us or our work, and really didn't engage us unless we could be used as tools. My relationship with them changed towards the end for the more-better, but it's also hard to look at the building with its low morale and personnel (4 out of every to 10 people retired, quit, or were let go). The former GP took a chainsaw to the building's essential services without putting something in their place, and simply threw the tasks to others who didn't have the expertise (or interest) in them.

I then thought about the building's low standards for work; good- or ok-enough was ok, and look where it led us. It's not that we're a hospital that handles lives or a bank with money, but the building could had used and developed what it had. I also felt that if we had higher expectations in place, maybe the mess that now has to be cleaned wouldn't had been so big.

I took my walk and had to give it a good think. I also had to give hope that my friend Mari's relationship with her son gets better. I told her a bit about work, and then she said her son wasn't taking time to see her. I don't personally know the full story, so I just listened and tried not to have opinions or tips.

I guess this is the same as when seasons change with weather. I guess my building is having its own big change with the permanent departure of the former GP, uncovered truths about the building, and the possibility that we may be getting another GP with all the uncertainty attached to that.

I'll never forget one night in 2016 when Rafael was coming over. I felt absolutely demoralized after sitting through another staff meeting where we were berated for our work but not given clear ways to do better. I wanted to fall into a pile, but something in me cooked steak for us and we had a nice time in my old Cannabis Condo on the third floor. As much as I wanted to have that great time with him, I wasn't sure if it was done so I wouldn't be a wet blanket or if was for a real need of sharing affection. But, the dinner and the more hostess-like things came through.

So tonight, as I wind down, I just try to keep this in perspective, cry enough of these work tears and try like hell not to let it drown me out or everything else around me. These are just weird times, I try to assure myself, so I have to accept the mayhem and look at it like whitewater rafting.

Yeah, I remember writing my work woes on these pages, some where things I heard about others and quite a few were my own deals. I just have to remind myself that this is where I am on the map, but that I probably won't be here forever.

This is how I escape
the ignorance and hate
being cooked up in this planet
About to disintegrate

--Cruisin', Us3

downwind | upstream