Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-04-06

Please come back

I found myself on a hill in a blighted urban area. I wasn't sure where I was until I saw New York City and the Brooklyn Bridge in the distance.

I could imagine how I got there. Someone who resembled Huck kneeled on the curb and faced the street with his hands in the air, elbows bent. If it was him, he really didn't look well at all. He was scrawny and ragged, like a street person or addict. He fell forward and face-first into the street, committing his own version of hira-kiri. His body sank into the asphalt and a slight indentation formed where his arms and torso had been.

I was a little frightened, but more from seeing the combination of locals and street people wandering around. I still had no idea where I was, I stood out and I definitely didn't feel like I was in a safe place. I took out my phone to figure out where I was and how to get home. I tried to call Rafael but he was unresponsive. His social media showed he was in a workshop.

I was surprised to see my car was nearby. I walked to it and it was very low on gas. I got in touch with Jimbob who told me where I could find a gas station in the area. He directed me to a very modern gas station around the corner but he had to leave. What a contrast compared to the old, dilapidated buildings around it! The gas station looked sleek and almost sci-fi, and a young female attendant pumped my gas and gave me friendly service. She was plain, clean-cut and had a very neighborly way about her; she definitely didn't fit in the neighborhood.

Home, I wanted to go home. When I figured out where exactly I was, it didn't take long for me to map how I'd get back and how long it would take. I grabbed a soda from the gas station and was able to see a dusky view of a disjointed New York City and the Brooklyn Bridge from where I stood. I was about to make my way out of there, had already imagined sleeping in a comfy, clean and safe hotel on the way back, and couldn't wait to return home.

The dream told me loudly and clearly, it's time to fully come home.

There's nothing left to see on that journey because I've seen everything I've needed, even if it doesn't make perfect sense (and it doesn't have to). I don't need to stick around because I had already seen the various expressions of desolation and poverty in my earlier life; that's all I'd see if I stayed.

Although the journey with Huck the Brooklynite began as something exciting, it left me feeling bleak like what I had seen in my hometown and very lost. Maybe that wasn't a stretch considering how bleak Huck expressed that his own life had been. The journey ended and Huck exited, atoning for his own disgrace or the deceit he eventually admitted to me.

In the dream, I was able to regroup after feeling much disorientation, despair and confusion. Although I had hoped Rafa would help me back, this journey is mine like some of his journeys are only his to experience (like his annulment or workshop, hah). My clumsy motions and a little kindly assistance led me back to a sense of direction to where I'd much rather be, and that place would be home. It was, otherwise, my own task to get myself home.

I silently now tell my heart, please come back, all of you. Please come back here to me, where it is so much better.

I don't feel bad or guilty that pieces of my heart had been elsewhere. I'm actually so glad to be able to summon them back so it can be whole.

I've had dreams where I reclaimed the last of my belongings or what remained behind with someone, or somewhere else. It's my heart's version of seeing a finish line, a resolution. I've seen it before and it is so damn sweet to get there. It takes a resolve and processing to get there, but I then feel immense relief once I reach that point.

The lovely thing is once these dreams clear and are finished, they don't get reversed, and it just feels so good to be free.

downwind | upstream