Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-05-26

Final transmissions

It's likely that today is the end of my mentorship. It's happened before where I was kicked from a nest, sometimes which turned into a haven where I thought I'd be able to stay. I often felt angry or upset that I had to leave, but the more this happens, the more I realize they weren't ejecting me. I simply graduated and was ready to truly and fully live even if it meant working through my usual clumsiness to do it, and I guess I should be grateful nothing terrible seemed to come of that.

Finally, and like what happened in the past, the people who did these things for me throughout the years were not my surrogate parents. Yeah, the were far more wise, generous and supportive than my parents could had been or were capable of doing, but they were not their substitutes. It was not or ever would become a surrogate for what I didn't have in my early life. (Uh, yeah, and I'm getting wise to the fact that most people didn't have those things, more or less). I really wanted to keep that line drawn between me and my mentor, but I guess subconsciously something blurred.

The mentor has definitely gone way beyond the call of duty in his work with me and I will always, always, and always respect that. I know that his work with me was not always easy with me and he had to learn or sharpen his usual tricks (hahaha, skills). He had worked with complex trauma for years and I am so very grateful that he was someone who went beyond 'oh, turn that frown upside' with shallow techniques (reframing, talking back to the stinkin' thinking') which is really just putting a bandaid (or plaster) over something requiring stitches (or a combo of lancing, pain killers and antibiotics of sorts). He recognized that I had compartmentalized things over the years and never really healed things or even let things go. I now recognize many professionals won't touch that because of the challenge.

And yeah, a part of me feels a bit of a temper tantrum inside, but I guess I need to tell the kid in me all the things I just said here and now. I also need to emphasize it's not abandonment. It can't be because it was a professional relationship. We wouldn't have one if we met outside the office.

I would had never guessed I would had gotten so far with all of this, and I am glad. Sad that it has to be over, feeling a reside of abandonment that I'll need to talk to and let fade, but am grateful we got to work together. I can definitely say many wounds I never thought would heal in fact did, and these were ones I really struggled with.

Speaking of wounds, my surgical wounds are healing more than I thought they would. I thought there were going to be like the gash I had near my hairline. It took about 6 months for it to fully heal and now I hardly notice it. There was a point where I accepted that it would be a fixture, but it didn't. I also thought the 3 holes above my belly would be the same, permanent parts of that landscape, but 2 of them get more faint by the week. The larger one is healing slowly but very certainly. I wore a 2-piece bathing suit on multiple occasions and no one seemed to notice the wounds at all.

It reminds me of what I wrote about my original surgery to remove growth on my forehead. It took about 8 weeks for the healing to be visible, and longer for it to be near-complete:

I look at the wound and its gradual healing. Maybe certain other wounds heal the same— if they were treated correctly. I also never thought that Dr. L. went deep. Maybe the deepest layers needed to heal fully before I could see a difference with the surface. Maybe certain wounds just can’t heal quickly because of the nature of their injury. The guy actually burned some of my skin, and I have an additional gash that crosses the long one. He actually cut me twice!

It made me think of the times I felt impatient with myself. Maybe some things I’ve tried or even faced really were that complicated or deep. A quick fix was impossible or only partially addressed something! Some things are complicated and need multiple stages of— progress, healing, processing, or attention!

I sometimes notice the little gashes and sigh. A wound can be mysterious. Now I see why people often don’t talk about their scars or marks. I don’t want to tell the world it was skin cancer that was most likely from the first 25 years of life, and I sure wouldn’t want anyone to make assumptions about me or my life (oh yeah, I have this because I was drunk and passed out). There’s some mornings I hardly notice it. I’m not even sure if the guy I met over the weekend noticed it; he never asked or didn’t seem to notice.

But, the little wound assures me that sometimes, healing isn’t always visible but is so necessary for wounds that deep. That certainly can apply to the type of wounds we can’t see.

Well huh, I also forgot that I was actually cut twice for the forehead thing. What remains is so small that I don't even notice unless I look very closely!

I don't know what became of my niece and her recent overdose. I didn't ask my sis/ her mother because I know how selective my sis can be with sharing information. I only hope it's addressed and not swept under the rug. My sister is not the most responsive or attentive of mothers (she has a bit of an addiction to her cell phone).

There's other heavy things happening to some people close to me. One wiseass said that's what I'd get for having a large family and somewhat expansive circle of friends. I can't list them here. All I can say is my dramas are quite pale in comparison. Perhaps that's what is keeping me in check.

My friend Carlo will soon be moving into a hospice care facility, and he doesn't know when. He acknowledged he won't get to return to his flat near Primrose Hill, and said to me, "when I go" or "when they move me," which is what my old friend Remy said in his last weeks in the hospital. Those phrases can mean more than one thing. They both also said they didn't know; they didn't know where their health care providers would move them or when life itself decided on that.

I guess what makes my head spin is it's a repeat. I talked to poor Rafael about this the other night. It's a repeat of what began when I was 17 and I'm sure there's more to come (I have a lot of males in my life, some who mean a lot to me, hah). I've said on these pages that at the same time, these passings are never the same.

I wish I didn't have to pray or send energy to so many people. It's not because I don't want to, I just shake my head that so many are in some level of distress. I don't even think it's because people are admitting they are, it really is because things are that crazy. The only real difference from the last 2 years and now is we get to move around more, but a lot has not gone back to normal or what it was before.

downwind | upstream