Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-10-02

Locus of Control

I see a pattern that I feel afraid and start to expect the worse.

I’ve been tapped for things because (a) I guess I did good remote work while the world started falling apart and (b) I mediated some conversations with my peers that when I look back, they were on provocative topics that were never discussed among us, everyone had their say, and it went well and (c) I’m one of the last people left standing in the building.

My institution continues to lose more people. I almost cried when another lovely colleague, Paolo from Africa, left. I was sooo intimidated by him at first but he turned out to be a very patient collaborator and I learned a lot from him. And, I loved his voice (heheheh), it was even more of a pleasure to hear him speak. I learned an awful lot from P and am so sad he left.

And damn, am I scared. The thoughts of former colleagues Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb’s snipes come to me, standing unguarded while they could dish whatever the fuck they wanted and without consequence. The memories of a bi-polar (yes, they were) former colleague who haunted the office with a combination of fear and admiration also comes to mind. I guess my resting bitch face / I appear I can easily judo someone came about from those things and experiences like that.

I still wonder for some strange reasons if the blade is on my neck and I just don’t know it yet. I sure hope it’s my fear/ paranoia rather than my intuition saying this.

I was actually volunteered for a group where I had interested and stuff about it in my job description, but I’ve never been tapped to do every. It actually made me jump to see I was noticed and actually tapped to do something. I’ve been so used to being ignored in some respects that I feel naked when I’m not.

I should ask myself when I was last flying high with something and was abruptly halted or shot down.

I came back home after my few days away. This place definitely feels less appealing knowing that what happened in Fort Myers could happen here. What the hell, Hurricane Dorian devastated the Bahamas that really aren’t too far from me; it was an extremely powerful storm for one AND it was stationary over some of the islands for a very long time. I don’t live close to the water but a storm surge can still be potentially jacked for this place (it can foul up our sewage lines to say the least).

We are also waiting to get financially ambushed when we get higher insurance premiums (or lucky if our insurers keep us at all) because, gee, someone has to cover the destruction and damage in those parts. Someone’s gotta pay for it, and ‘tag!’ we’re it.

I guess my fears also have to do with the series of catastrophic events that have been happening in succession since 2020 or so.

While I had my coffee and looked at the hilly soybean field across from my friend’s house, I secretly wondered if this was my fly-by or brief visit that didn’t mean much but became something. I did a fly-by to my region before I got a job here, and vacationed in Edgewhere before I worked there. I used to drive through Rafael’s former town regularly and wanted to get to know it, and then we met and I really, really did.

So as for the fly-by: ‘huh, might I find myself here someday?’ I asked myself as I sipped my Folgers. It’s so very different from here. I’d miss the hell out of the ocean, the madness, the vibrant and electric vibe of this region. I’d miss being around lots of Hispanics (and I am one), and I’d miss the diversity. I’d miss my covens, I bet that stuff is underground if there even is a presence of a woman-led spiritual community. I felt very sad inside to think about leaving it all despite the insanity, but I guess we sometimes have do to what we must.

I just keep thinking I’m going to have to leave because usually that was what happened. I was often the one who had to go, and I always had to if I wanted to get ahead and/or if I really started liking a place.

And gee, maybe that’s why I don’t like anyone (hahah, that’s not entirely true) but keep aloof or detached. Hey, chances are I’ll have to love something and leave it much sooner than later. Might as well make it easier for myself while I’m ahead.

Well, OK, I did have choices in the matter. I kinda had to make choices to leave because to stay would not had been great at all in a lot of those situations.

The last time I saw Felipe, I had been in my former position for a few months. I told him I would try on the job for size for. 5 years (which ended up being how long it was) and then I’d go wherever the universe dispatched me (another position in the building).

“You are in control,” he tried to be like Dr. Phil. “You call that shot and direction.”

I knew the word, it is known as an internal locus of control, and also what he was getting at. I shrugged. Obviously, he didn’t know my life very well.

I only hope I have enough energy, inquisitiveness, or fight left in me, along with the resources, to roll with whatever next change comes this way.

downwind | upstream