Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-02-09

Quiet night, let me collect my thoughts

How nice it is to have a quiet night to myself! I guess I’m still operating at less than my average speed. I get plenty done at work (and take naps), and then there’s always something going on in the evening. If it’s not Avery, it’s homework, and the other way around. Social times break in (prayer circle, catching up, being so happy to see some ladies), and then I’m reading something for class, or attempting to catch my breath (and I’m in Day 2 of a Catholic novena prayer). What a time for my life to get more active while I deal with the post-covid blahs. This is the first evening where I didn’t have to do anything but see my mentor.

I suppose that can be why I feel rather edgy about my job (more on that in a bit), and not as enthused about taking Prof. I’s class. He doesn’t give any feedback, so I just hope I at least got a “B.”

I saw my mentor for the first time in a while. I think I may stop seeing him once I settle my career matters down.

I need to really start seeing possibilities away from what I’ve been doing for almost 20 years, and be willing to entertain them. I hate to admit, but my shifting feelings about my career are also pushing me to revise my definition of success, and to think more about my happiness and what I really should try to prioritize.

Tonight’s session was pretty powerful. He and 2 other members of my male executive cabinet advised me to seriously start visualizing life away from my building, if not update my resume and look for a new job. I’ve known this for quite some time. I just was too scared to try, and then some things changed in my building that helped me a lot. However, I feel burned out and tired. I felt this way right before the pandemic. I feel the same thing, but it seems to feel deeper this time.

I hate to admit, but I get anxiety when I interact with people on the job (always those I have to serve with higher power). I used to be so brave, but sometimes I just shake inside when I interact with them. Maybe it’s my own shitty self-talk about my relationships with them over the years, or, maybe I did have an accurate perception, I don’t know.

My building also just went through a span of leadership that dragged morale through mud. A political overlord accused my profession of indoctrinating students and stifling free expression (my smart-ass remark is the students can do whatever they want with what they learn from us, and to be honest, they really don’t remember half of the shit; if they don’t remember, how can they be indoctrinated?).

My colleagues have been really hurting for a long time and for some very real reasons, and some of us actually comfort each other. Quite a few building colleagues have lost spouses to death and also parents. We’ve literally cried on each other’s shoulders in odd places like by the loading dock, Zoom, the bathroom, random hallways in the building, and in the lobby. M’kay, if things really sucked kind of bad, who would blame me for feeling at least a little bad about that cursed building and perhaps my career?

Having Avery around is a little like having a new puppy, and the energy kind of whirls between us. Our relationship is having quite the effect on him, in a good way. I’ll readily admit…. I’m not jumping in so fast. It’s not that I don’t trust him and I’m not even waiting for something to go wrong. I really want and need to give this some time.

Yes, it totally has to do with what went down between Huck and I; things really need time and if it took 7 months to shake all that out, then cheers to taking time! But gee, it kinda feels self-restrictive in some ways, yet I still feel a little pull between us.

Avery isn’t particularly intellectual, yet he has wickedly sharp perception and communicates it with an interesting energy. His advice has also been astonishingly sensible. He says it’s best just to let yourself be happy, and if I don’t like a situation, change it or leave it (to put it shortly). Don’t let myself suffer. Not bad for a guy who watches Fox News and fumes about what he sees, thank God when I’m not around.

That’s my life, the good and the bad. I’m so grateful for my good friends and also for Avery. I actually am doing some things I enjoy about my job (and lately I prefer to hide in my office). My energy does trickle back (but like covid, seems to work on alternating days). I’ve been able to finally sleep through the night for the first time since I finally tested negative from covid.

downwind | upstream