Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-02-24

There's so much I wish I could fully say

There's so many things I wish I could say and express. I can really only say someone who did wrong indeed deserves love, forgiveness, and second changes. No, it's not a free license for someone to do the same old crap or be destructive or abusive. It's really like a boundary drawn, but acknowledging someone's humanity to live their life, live their happiness, be free (and respect my boundaries).

If I can do that for others, then certainly I can do that for myself: tell myself I can be forgiven, I can have second chances, and I deserve love and being in the universe's graces.

No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. Some are bigger than others. Some affect more than others. Hell, some really can't be scrubbed no matter what.

Many assert it's important to integrate our shadow selves, which is an internal thing. Then there's things we've done and can't be reversed. We really can only live with it them the best we can.

Sometimes people can bring out the worse and best in us. I look at how I feel and what happens to me when I'm around certain people. Some people have expanded my world, some have brought healing to me when I was unable to heal on my own. They didn't try anything, they didn't force anything, and I wasn't dependent and waiting. It was simply a matter of what they naturally offered and were willing to give, or it was just there and would had been even if I weren't around.

I think about the time I laid with Avery and touched his surgical scar, knowing he had been hurt in that spot (and knowing he hurt the hell out of others and dwells with those consequences). It was something he had to heal within, manage on the outside, and was able to show or give back to me.

I had no idea when we met or when we started dating that I also did these things for him. He is precious to me. He is precious like others who gave and received over the years. Avery feels I'm precious, and I feel very precious by him.

Yet, it makes me a little sad inside to not be able to fully embrace or absorb this feeling until this far in life. Part of it was I didn't get much of it, and the other part was I was disconnected from being able to feel it until recently. There were times it was offered but I was incapable of receiving it, or I was simply clueless. Well, I can silently grieve that, and move towards embracing this so fully as it is now.

Ei, I'm rambling. There's so much I wish I could fully say and release, but here's what I'm comfortable with for now.

downwind | upstream