Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-05-17

Misses and Haters and On Being a Bellweather

Sometimes when I wig out, it’s because (a) it’s my own kooky head, (b) something is really happening and I’m the bellweather, (c) it really is my head, or (d) no one else sees it but for whatever reason, I’m feeling the hell out of it.

Someone at work sees me as a rival, I discovered, through a slip we had in conversation. This person was never particularly warm with me in the time she’s been there and I was never ra-ra-rah for her. It was one of those instances where we had no chemistry.

There’s also times that I wonder about my nemesis who had left the building long ago. They totally chilled the fuck out once they got married (I guess I was no longer a rival) and also when they left the profession. They were extremely charismatic and well-known in the region, and a part of me wonders what she ever said about me and if that affects how others see me. Like I said, they are way long gone, but I wonder what simple gossip would do. I mention her because the current ‘work rival’ was a friend of hers.

I sometimes feel a bit down about the misses I had when it came to relationships at work. At least I can say I get on just fine with those who work closest to me. Sometimes I surprise myself when others really get to know me and see— oh hey (and fill in the blank about something cool they think of me). Then, there’s those where there’s no chemistry or liking to save my life.

It takes me back to the conversation I had with my supervisor when they offered me the interim middle pubah position just over a month ago. I accepted and then we were quiet. The first thing that came out of my life was, “haters are gonna hate.” I thought of the 2 people, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, who were my loyal opposition in my last position. When I did minimal, I got very little fuss with them. I eventually discovered the Dum one had serious issues and had a hell of a time letting go of shit in a seriously pathological way.

Much to my surprise, I didn’t get the antagonism when I started my current role just over 3 years ago. If anything, things flourished for the most part and I was surprised how willing people in the building were willing to work with me. “Haters are gonna hate,” and yet sometimes shit can change.

I was anticipating the worse with the middle pubah position and I’m totally figuring something or other is gonna change (although it didn’t happen during Mercury Retrograde or its shadows). However, when I thought of the ‘change’ part, I felt a bit better. Maybe, just maybe, people will have confidence in my interim role and whatever I do. But, just in case that doesn’t happen (the changeup or the confidence), I’m arming myself with information about policies and bla, bla, blah.

How am I preparing (or, arming) myself so far? (Oops, I shouldn’t say ‘armed,’ I’m American and I don’t want to frighten— yeah, it’s a serious shitshow here with the shootings and what fascists are proposing and legally passing like, gee, H*tler.). I’m preparing by asking myself what I’d need to know and do in the worse possible scenarios.

What if some people get into a fight or some fracas happens in the building?
What do I do if someone on the computers is looking at illegal types of porn?
What do I do if there’s a shooting?
What do I do if some employees get into rows ranging from silent, to verbal, to descriptive threats, to acting on these threats?

It really doesn’t seem healthy to think this way at all. I also need to think about who is *supposed* to help me and what I’d need to do when that doesn’t happen. God knows that’s happened to me rather consistently. Whatever the case may be, I somehow end up responsible for what someone doesn’t do even if I do everything in my power or what others do. I’ll just invoke what 2 different experts once told me that when in a situation of extreme incompetence or people acting evil, the best recourse is to grab my life jacket, grab the raft, and jump ship.

My new therapist says I shouldn’t have to live many things in my life anticipating or calculating what people will or won’t do. She’s wrong. I have to. If I don’t, I’m as good as being caught with my pants down. It’s what I have to do to survive in various settings. It reminds me of teaching: we were advised to have a Plan A, B, and C.

Anyhow, maybe I just need to play it cool with this intense energy in the air. I decided to go to a cafe and have a beer and peck away on this tablet instead of going straight home. Even our new grand pubah hides alot. They work like a banshee and then take a week off, and then do it again a month later, and again. The pubah is a very strong and capable person, but maybe even they need to play it cool cos of the winds they feel blowing around these parts.

If all I have to bitch about is work and occasionally my head, then I must be doing ok.

downwind | upstream