Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-10-11

Taking care of each other

I thought I was ok although I felt nervous. I sometimes have jolts throughout my body, it’s perfectly normal for me. The difference, however, was these jolts were pushing under my skin, poking it and wanting out.

We laid on my sofa, not saying anything, and the jolt came to the surface. The tears came out, and slowly, very slowly, what was bothering me came out.

He was puzzled. I could tell he had no idea what I was talking about, and seemed a little nervous that I cried. I tried my best to describe it. I didn’t know I was upset or exactly why until I pieced my words together.

The more I did, the less I felt his nervousness. He held me closer, but told me not to cry.

“But this is the easiest way to release it,” I said.

He was silent and held me closer for a spell. He was still while the tears washed it away. He seemed to figure that all he needed was to be there, not to solve anything or defend me, but only to be there.

I was on the other side of that embrace when he felt disturbed, confused, or overwhelmed. I’d hold him and do little more than listen, with my arms around him or his head resting on my chest.

Listening to a heartbeat and breathing is naturally soothing, and so is being held. There’s the warmth and contact of the body and from being held, and something happens inside from being mostly still while it all happens. Then, it’s being closely in the presence of and being attentive to another.

Sometimes I couldn’t say anything, I didn’t know what to say. Maybe I couldn’t fully relate like he when he told me not to cry. He usually didn’t cry, he’d sit quietly. I’d feel something course through him. I sensed it would go its own direction, like a wave, before it would crest and flatten.

Whether it was me or him, we always felt a little tired and leaned more into each other, held each other closer for a little while before dozing off, getting a little more relief and to get ourselves grounded before we were ready to get back up again.

I felt something different afterward when I needed it from him. He didn’t speak about it, but he seemed more protective and attentive. When he needed me and it all passed, I felt strength through my care for him and was also attentive. We both felt stronger and looked after each other in our own ways. I always felt comforted afterward, and he said he felt I always had his back.

I think about this ways we took care of each other. We probably didn’t get something quite like this from our friends or relatives, it was something uniquely between us like it is for any couple.

There was something precious about being able to both and give receive that kind of comfort, and something we really never talked about. It was one of those things that just emerged between us.

downwind | upstream