Cafe Hitch-hike

2024-02-12

Throwing in the towel

I don't give certain things up very easily. I grip it until my hands slip or ride it until I'm thrown off. Sometimes, however, I throw in the towel.

I threw in the towel. I said I wasn't going to take it any further. Personally, continuing was not in my best interest. Realistically, I was not ready. Sure, I could had tried my damned hardest once again, grip it or ride it, but the death of my former boss was a gentle reminder for me to not compromise myself.

My anxiety was absolutely crushing me. I could not keep it at bay, it was taking all my energy. It was really unpleasant to spend Fridays smashed so I could reset, spend the next day in a bad mood or hungover, and then feel more like myself on Sunday, only to have to dive head-first into the chaos all over again. I've been waking up in a panic every work day these past 3 weeks.

I went to a nice party over the weekend, and I was too glum to enjoy it. I pasted a fake smile, nodded, and acted cheerful. When I went home and closed the door, I cried before even going into the rest of the house. Avery really went out of his way to do something nice for me, he was so thoughtful with what he did and was enjoying himself (not making love by the way, hahah). I was quiet, so grateful for what he did, but had to fake the smile. I was hungover from the night before, hoping to drink my anxiety, fears, and pressure away.

I finally had to tell others I wasn't going to pursue the permanent equivalent of my position. I had to throw in the towel. It was just too much for me and I wasn't going to break my back to keep it going.

I surrender. That's all. Someone else can have the opportunity. Meanwhile, I can go back and try to restore myself back to a better state, or God I hope!

downwind | upstream