Cafe Hitch-hike

2024-02-16

What were my reasons?

I made my decision to withdraw my bid to permanently have my temp gig. I applied and was eager, but recent events just eroded all of that. I told the person in charge of the search committee and I was a little emotional. The brief version I gave was that someone with fresh eyes, experience in this area, and no history should take this position, and that my bigger interest is in finishing a big project. I thanked people for their support while I've been in this temp position (yeah, for the support they could offer since everyone's stretched so thin). Everything I said in my withdraw letter was my truth, at least.

I then checked my online calendar with a meeting invitation: "Mtg with The Boss on withdraw decision -- please do not freak out, it's ok." I sighed and laughed at the same time. I'm sure it's not ok, I'm ready for this come-to-Jesus meeting. I've taken enough lashings in this career that I don't think any would be worse that what I've got.

My withdrawing was not their fucking decision, it was mine and only mine. I didn't want or need to talk it over with them. I know when I have no or little control in a situation and all I can do it play the cards I was dealt. My stubborn inner child was sulking, arms crossed, scowling, and wasn't gonna budge for any reason in terms of this decision. I know myself well enough that when I feel this way, there's always a very compelling reason whether my decision was right or wrong.

What were my reasons for deciding not to apply? Uh...
*cleaning up a mess with very little to do it with.
*reversing a legacy of poor management, support, and morale.
*disciplining people and just plain tell them to do their damn jobs when no one has since forever.
*managing these forced marriages of projects and collaborations that are getting seriously dysfunctional and jacked up.
*realizing we're getting gaslighted by The Powers That Be above us and realizing they don't give a rip about us at all.
*telling everyone who's already struggling to do more with less.
*describing some hard facts to someone about their job and that they really needed to do it.
*getting volunteered to be somewhere when I already had to be at something else I was volunteered to do.
*realizing that the person I thought would be my right hand person really wasn't forthright at all. I didn't know if they didn't trust me, were testing me, or both.
*my anxiety was getting very unmanageable both physically and mentally.
*being thrown to the wolves, no guidance, little information. My exploded when I stumbled across some obscure by important emergency information I came across, and wondered why the fuck no one told me about them in the first place.
*feeling this awful feeling like I'm stuck in quicksand and am getting buried with it.
*a few too many straws landed on this camel's back.
*home at night and somehow feeling wounded, like I had been on a battlefield all day.

Part of my decision also was because I got intelligence about the other applicants for the job. I checked them out and they are really good, 2 of them have experience doing all of this. They seemed like the kind of people The Boss would like. Knowing this was the other reason I withdrew. They will be in a better position to succeed and make the changes that need to be made.

People individually came to me and asked if it was them. Yes, it partly was, but I didn't say it. I actually thought they'd feel better not having to report to me anymore. My fears and anxieties definitely messed me up, but even without them, the mess I was handed would had been difficult for anyone to manage. But, the overall message I got was to think about myself and that I knew what was best for myself.

I felt free after making the decision, but still rather wounded.

downwind | upstream