Cafe Hitch-hike

2024-02-19

Walk away and be glad

I took a really long, rejuvenating rest over the weekend. Avery and I sang some songs on the rainy Sunday afternoon, and that stirred me in the right way to feel ready for the week. I jokingly sang an old NIN song, and he decided to sing ‘Hurt,’ and wow, he rocked it!!

I think I made the right decision to not apply for the permanent decision for many reasons. I’m trying to settle it in my mind that (a) this was a temp position where I was meant to fill-in until it was permanently filled and (b) with the term “temp,” I got to try on the job just like they got to try me out. I also reminded myself that (c) although the power was so tasty (bahahhaah), I never really aspired toward my former boss’s job for a variety of reasons (main one: I really didn’t have any interest in leading those particular divisions).

I also had to look at some realities. Too much was way out of my control and knotted up. There was so much to untangle and I couldn’t be the only one trying, and I also didn’t want to be in a position where I was constantly spinning plates, keeping the from falling. And, many of my first impression were on the money. It was going to be a difficult endeavor, at least for me, for reasons internal and external to me.

An echo of a thought about the glass cliff came to mind. The damn job definitely had those characteristics, but at least I had the option to step down rather than get fired (or prolong my suffering). I almost feel like an administrator’s job really is like the TV show Survivor, and you have to guess and connive your way through and you either sink or swim. Hopefully I was able to keep my nose above the water, grab onto some floating debris, and try to catch a current that gets me to the right place. Rescue? Oh, please! There’s no such thing in administration.

I guess that I was also summarizing many, many things about my time in the building these past 8 years. Yeah, the death of my former boss really was a signal that something had to change, and I concluded that I would had been completely justified in leaving the building ages ago. Everything that happened after my boss’s death affirmed that conclusion.

It then occurred to me that I was doing some really dirty work with a couple of very problematic personnel issues. There’s limited things I can do with those for remainder of my term. Whoever gets the job will likely start from scratch because they can only go by their observations rather than mine. This means I can only do what I can, try not to get any ulcers over that crap, and then someone else can can take those reins.

It then occurred to me…. I want to restore myself. I want to go into a space where I can feel more free. I think my big objective at this point is to move into those types of spaces, and move ahead in—. ilfe. It doesn’t have to be in the building and maybe it doesn’t mean I’ll be a boss of anyone anytime soon. All I want to do is rejuvenate myself and recover so I can move on to wherever and be more free of the building baggage. Maybe this point is where I had to be taken. I know there’s always going to be drama, but people leave toxic work situations all the time.

Someone sent me a really nice meditation, and it made me think about taking a 360 degree view of things, to see that many things are possible, and that I do have a few people in my corner where we care and are connected. Gee, was that a flicker of hope I felt?

I drew some tarot cards for guidance, and for an outcome, I drew the 5 of cups. I didn’t realize that 2 of the cups had wine spilled and the third had something green spilled, like poison. I re-read the interpretation, and it summarized that although there was a disappointment, something still remained (2 empty cups intact) and with the glass with green liquid spilled, maybe it was a good thing I didn’t take the poison. Walk away, and be glad worse didn’t happen.

I included animal totems in the reading. For the outcome, I got a deer which advised to use my senses, yet be gentle and give kindness. I kind of sighed with reassurance; this job made me feel like I had to be like Mad Max, but the outcome said to hold on to the gentle side of life. I’d much rather do that anyhow.

I also drew the Death card for the second time in a week. Yep, something’s over and not coming back. What that is, I’m not yet sure, but maybe that’s needed to happen for new possibilities.

downwind | upstream