Cafe Hitch-hike

2024-03-03

Pre-Spring Sunday Ramblings

I guess I got in the habit of working on a hightop table with great views from the Cannabis Condo, my former abode. The Patio Lounge, the nickname for my current home, has nice views but my work office desk faces a corner so I was trying to find ways to figure out the setup. I need this monolith of an Ikea desk because of its space and storage for my 101 projects and supplies.

My office is also a guest room with a futon. There is only so much I can do with the space with the futon and desk, so I I decided to use my portable table to serve as my typing desk. It has a view of a pond, a healthy sable palm tree, and a toddler and baby treelet.

Pond... It's really a retention pond that attempts to harness the water that's everywhere. I live in wetlands that were drained for farming. I sometimes imagine the pond are like the lakes from where I grew up. A couple corners of my hometown town had some, and I lived in one neighborhood that had them where being outdoors was always a pleasure.

We are having spring break, so that means I get a break from my coursework. I remember that for our last break in the winter, it took about a week for me to feel normal after the spin cycle called 2023. For this weekend, I didn't really want to do anything but stay home and rest. Someone texted me a question, and my initial reaction was a little over the top. I was glad I didn't respond right away and instead, gave a reasonable answer followed by a relaxed exchange for a bit, but my hyperresponsiveness surprised me.

I felt like I had a head injury from the last 2 months of work. I have energy and then it flickers, and sometimes I recognize I'm kinda dysregulated. I make sure I get enough rest and recovery time, and not push myself too fast to do something that may drain me (cos I pay for it if I do). I see that I have to. One of my colleagues has been out for a week because their autoimmune condition flared up.

I discovered that another colleague, who is only 2 years older than me, has brain lesions from their work and family stresses. They now work remotely although their job requires them to be in the building. If our employer decided to strictly interpret employment and disability laws, that colleague would be out of a job. That whole thing brings significant morale issues to my building, to say the least.

The point for me is to pace and take care of myself. I promised myself 2 or 3 weeks ago that my goal was to go beyond surviving the building. I want to restore myself so I can go towards something with a (realistic) sense of hope, optimism, and renewal instead of running from the building. I know there's going to be ranges of dysfunction in every place, but my goal is also to move towards something better with genuine confidence.

I eating lunch with my friend Ziggy who's been in the building for a long time. She has given me great perspective over the years. Zig told me to do what I need for the current job but to not waste more energy over it. She told me I was already on my way to going somewhere else, and her voice had a weight and conviction. Zig encouraged me to continue my coursework which was great advice, so I'll use those next bits to become my mantra.

My current coursework is helping with Ziggy's points and also offering things I didn't expect. One of my instructors has been dropping hints of some offerings available to us. If I go for one, it may take me another year or 2 to finish the program, but with some handsome credentials and for half the time it would take to get them. Since I'll still need to work full time, I'm gonna see how I can navigate current work matters and see if I can land in a safer harbor that will let me go for it. Also, I want to be in a far less stressful position so I have energy to devote to that wonderful thing called a personal life.

Oh, yeah... I'll also have to make some decisions about some economic needs or goals. The name of the game is prioritizing... I'm not without options, thank goodness, but I'm looking at their benefits and drawbacks. It looks like I'll have to make some different choices than what I hoped to make, but the options I have certainly aren't terrible at all. I'll have what I need.

Then, there's perspective. As much as work can feel like a clusterfuck, they gave me a bunch of equipment to work remotely during the pandemic. They never asked for it back and gave me some upgrades to the equipment. I can do my coursework at night, and best yet, I don't have to pay for it. To go to class, I walk a few blocks or park in a different lot. I also compared our benefits with local employers, and damn... I really can't complain. Maybe I'll need to share that information when those I supervise piss and moan about their compensation.

And speaking of those I supervise... I'm giving myself lots of pats on the back. I'm enforcing the Big Boss's expectations quite nicely without being brutal. They piss and moan about them for a bit, and I don't get too mad. Instead, I can usually can give a reasonable and truthful explanation about how they fit in the bigger scheme of things. They are actually fulfilling them and fairly well, I may add. Another clusterfuck of a project is being incrementally managed; maybe it's not being done as fast as I'd like, but it's actually getting done and people have been largely cooperative so far. The person who got kicked off the project now seems relieved so they can direct their busy-body, nose-in-everything energy into their other endeavors that needed their attention.

I was smart to not apply for the permanent position I have on a temp basis. I'd rather not say how I found shit out about all of that (ancient Latina secret, maybe my Spidey senses, bahahah). We have excellent people going for the position and I think they may be the people needed. They will bring fresh insights this crusty-ass place needs so badly.

Hoping for the best. Expecting a stab in the back or slap in the face from somewhere I don't expect, and hoping I have the strength to rebound in whatever way I'd need to. Sorry, I know my building. There may be snarls on the expressway, spinouts may occur, and sometimes it can be a smooth journey.

Avery's excited about a coffee club card he got from a new place and wants to take me there. I'll shower (I smell from my morning wetlands hike and my skin's sticky from the humidity), and then see him get excited about taking me out someplace where we can get free stuff (and, from us being together).

downwind | upstream