Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-08-03

A part of me wonders

My at-work group was supposed to have a meeting, but more than half skipped it. I did a reminder on Friday and I knew I should had done one in the morning before the meeting, but we didn't have a quorum. It was easy to take personally, but I could see the glazed look on their faces of those who showed up; the look was similar to what I've seen in other places. People are frightened because of the upswing of the variant, school will be starting soon, we are in a place with high infection rates, and our political overlord banned masks in schools in his newest attempt to emulate his idol, the former President Caligula. I had conversations with others, and we are nervous.

So school starts in 2 weeks and we have to go back to the building. Even more people left or retired from Xanadu Tech (my employer). With my talent of standing on my feet the longest, maybe I'll be the last one out to turn off the lights at the end of the day (ha).

Hmmm, if I can facetiously make a prediction, we'll have an infection cluster in mid-September, and in an act of desperation from the bad press and pissed off parents, the XT grand pubahs will have us return to remote work. Why don't we throw in a nice hurricane while we're at it? Those put us in a collective daze quite nicely.

I had a cheerful conversation with my mom last night. Although I decided not go to Texas for a working vacation, she invited me to go to South Padre Island for Labor Day weekend. Hmmm... we shall see. I'd love to go, but as I've crowed on these pages, something usually manages to happen on my birthday.

I touched base with Huck. We do more regularly now than when we were actively dating each other. He spends summer catching up on various projects he cannot get to during the school year, and then alternates that with mini-road trips with his sons or sometimes solo trips. The funny thing is our interactions are mostly the same as when we're face-to-face. The only thing is there's no physical affection and where all that leads, and that's a drag.

The strange thing is I feel mostly the same about him. I'll admit that I felt a lot of conflict and quite pissed when he finally told me the truths about his complications but my feelings for him didn't change much (though I anticipate another surprise since I see that's how he rolls). I still savor the spirit of what I had in the winter and spring with Huck, savor the joys on so many levels, and that he's in my life.

We made some agreements when we departed 3 weeks ago and one of them was we both wanted each other in our lives regardless of the form it would have to take. As for things on my end, I'm crawling through and in my own direction, anticipating a gradual fadeout but the occasional touching base (and maybe a hot weekend here and there if he comes down). I have plenty to do in my own life, and what I do will continue.

And then a part of me wonders if I've felt what I do because I unconsciously figured he wouldn't stay, so I'd be able to enjoy it all without committing to anything. It's much easier to hold on to little episodes than it is to have to deal with the messiness and complications of a relationship that's in front of me. Maybe?

Maybe this time I can be strong
But since I know who I am
I'm probably wrong
Maybe this time I can go far
But thinking about where I've been
Ain't helping me start
--Michael Kiwanuka, Cold, Cold Heart

I used to think this song described Huck. I first heard it when I was having serious doubts about us in March and April (and it was spot on when I found out what he was withholding from me). Now, I think it describes us both.

downwind | upstream