Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-11-15

Alternate storylines

In the dream, I saw him leaning against a chain-link fence and on the same side as where I stood. He appeared so vividly! I saw the thickness of his coarse black hair that he combed downward and just barely covered his ears. I saw the slight squint in his eyes and some of the fine lines around them (all of which I got from him) and his barrel chest and broad shoulders (the latter which one of my sisters and I inherited). He wore a maroon, wool v-neck sweater and a gold chain with a boxing gloves charm. I was surprised to see him, my birth father, because I've only dreamed about him a handful of times in my life and he looked so real. He died 31 years ago this month.

I kept a distance, however. I stood about 10 feet away from him and could see all of him standing. We were almost level thanks to the distance and slight incline of where the fence stood; I was almost 3 inches taller than him in real life. I didn't feel happy but I was curious and ready to listen. He didn't seem too tickled himself.

"I wasn't there when you were born," he began. "I didn't see you take your first steps. I didn't see you to start school. I didn't go to anything like your spelling bee or concerts."

That was all true, I thought, but didn't say anything. I think I knew what he was getting at.

"I didn't see you go into sports, or graduate from high school... College... An apartment... I didn't see you try things out, or fail, or succeed... I didn't get to see you try to find yourself."

He described other things that parents see their children do as they mature and have their own lives, but that he didn't see. They were almost arranged chronologically.

As he gave his list, I saw my life as it was. I remembered these things as they happened and felt a sense of absence and vacancy that I never noticed before. At the same time, I also saw what it would had been like, at least in the most idealized form, if he really was there; they were definitely different. In the scenario where he was, I felt loved and watched over. I looked softer, wore a dress and looked like a young girl. In my actual scenario, I stood by myself, upright and like a soldier, putting on a straight face. I dressed plainly and I looked drab.

While he continued and I saw the 1 reality and the 1 alternative presented to me, I also saw that he was not the kind of man to pursue the alternative. It wasn't in him and he didn't know how. He was a man's man. I could had wished for option #2, but it simply wasn't in him, for me or the other daughters or children he had. I've learned bits about his own birth father over the past 10 years and he a real charmer though not a kind man; maybe he emulated him or inherited his personality.

Even in the dream, I recalled that I never dreamed of him, but there he was. It just so happened to near the Day of the Souls, when many cultures believe the boundary between realms is at its thinnest. It was very possible that such words would be said on that kind of day.

He then stopped his list and I agreed with it. I was mildly surprised he admitted anything, yet a part of me respected that these admissions came out of his mouth (or as my conscious, sensitivity, or whatever we want to call it either composed or captured it).

I woke up with a bit of a startle, enough to where the dog hopped close to my chest and gave me a hug. As I held her, I thought about what he said and was able to think about one person who was there for those things. That person was Uncle Joe. He was there for just about all of those events like he was for my younger siblings (whose father was barely present for them although he was in their lives). I felt that admission sucker punch the surprise I felt from the dream. At least I had something, at least we had him, and that was a hell of a lot more than a substitute or consolation prize.

I wondered if this was the second part to my father dreams. I had a dream about my step-father over a year ago where he was very angry at me and was going to shoot me. We had a tussle. I got the handgun from him and shot him in his leg in self-defense but also to give him a little message: I could had aimed higher but didn't. I then disarmed the gun, took it with me, and walked away. After the dream, I realized it was the first time I ever imagined anyone he mistreated or abused either defend themselves or have someone defend them. Hell yeah, I fully embraced the symbolism of that dream! Not of harming him, but just plain having the option to be defended and protected!

What about this dream of my birth father?

Finally! Finally he admitted something we experienced, even if it was just a dream! Finally, I didn't stand in silence with these truths! Everyone who knew my father thought he was great. He had 2 sides and no one wanted to think much about the bad side. They only wanted to live with their happy memories of him and what he brought. We (his daughters) got to hear plenty about his myth but experienced more of the bad side and pain he left us (and our mothers). I hated having to grin and smile every time someone told us how great he was while I felt this awful sting from the alternate storyline. We didn't get to experience the myth, we were left with something much different.

There I was, listening to my deceased birth father describe a list of life passages where he wasn't present. Maybe it's like the time when I was a freshman in high school where my father's various crimes (literally) and other transgressions were dumped at my feet. How the hell did I just so happen to be in the right place at the right time to hear about them? Well, I was probably more able to handle the information better than my half-sisters Princ and Kelly although it still tore me apart at the time. Maybe I was the one who could put it in perspective. Those were also truths I had to live with in silence (but at least my hometown and state's criminal records, along with what our mothers told us, can ascertain I didn't make that shit up).

I just don't know what to do with this quite yet. I'll just try to sit with it, and embrace the truths that were spoken (even if it was just a dream). Hopefully, it will be healing or maybe resolve some uncomfortable things about the relationship. Maybe his soul also wanted to put all of that to rest?

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