Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-01-08

First week of the year

Greetings from your cheerfully intense diarist. The previous entry was work matters and the torrent of change around there. This one, I'll attempt to write about just me.

The winter break I took was extremely low key. My mind was very fatigued, and I got a lot of rest. I didn't really leave my region, and I also didn't spend more time outside as I had hoped. Every part of me said, 'rest!' I did the huachuma ceremony at the beginning of it and it tired me out, but I felt a big difference between the way I felt at its beginning with when I went back to work. I did feel much more energized all around after the break.

I justified not visiting family with the travelling I did in 2021. I did see them quite a bit. I could not, however, imagine feeing reinvigorated from holiday travel this year. I'm glad I was able to stay home, although I missed them.

The new year began quite nicely. I went to the beach with Mari and Beth to watch the sunrise. We did some tai chi, prayers, and meditations, and I brought ceremonial cacao to drink. It was a beautiful way to begin the year. I ran into Winston, a colleague, and his beautiful family who were also doing some similar things.

Then, we had breakfast and was able to find an established restaurant that had plenty of seating but with prominently displayed signs asking for patience due to their staffing. The news channel Dystopian Daily News (hahah) was on, and it saddened us. Then brilliant me decided to tell them about the USA's Pluto Return that's happening right about now. Oh my, talk about double whammies of buzzkills. But, Mari and Beth are energy workers and said they knew some bizarre energy's been at play with the pandemic and a bit before that; they just didn't know there was also a name for it.

However, Mari invited us over for some drinks. Beth took a nap, and Mari and I got caught up with more stuff (she's a professor with a mind goes a mile a minute, hahah).

Before the new year, I had to kick Timmy away again. We didn't talk about it, I told him and then blocked him. We didn't have to talk it over because communication was very poor between us. It occurred me that we were frienemies. We didn't respect each other very much; mine for him degraded with time while he didn't give much for most of the friendship. We were really just seeing what we could get out of each other, and it was a stupid game. It was always him that came back to me and I let him, so I told myself I'll have to redirect it just like I had to with Prof. Felipe, his former rival.

I had been asked if I heard from Huck or I got in touch, and the answer is 'no.' I told a friend that no contact from Huck's end meant the nails stayed in that coffin. We really couldn't be 'just friends' because our feelings for each other were too much, and it was clear they wouldn't change with distance or 'friends' status. There's days where I carry on without any thought of him, and then there's times where they are back. I think I'm in much better shape to attempt to date, but thoughts of him still creep in. Oh, I try to keep it all in perspective by reminding myself of the facts of that situation (like, uh, serious deception and other troubles I noticed). It will fade on its own fucking time, I suppose, just like these things often do. I just wish it would fade much sooner than later, though I can admit the hold feels weaker than it did 4 months ago.

I'm curious about whatever changes I may need to make if that job pans out because I made other plans (get another certificate, start a side gig). I decided to try out a side gig with my energy work ladies because-- it's fun! It's a nice counter balance to the things I do in the work building and I think I really, really, really need it. I'm considering getting some different training because I may need to pivot my career from what I'm doing to something else, or at least in another place!

I made my 2022 list and even drew the things I'd like to actualize this year. I also wrote a list of things I wanted to delete for 2021 and burned it on the night of the winter solstice. For 2022, I listed direction, love and friendship, and good health.

I read lists I made in previous years and must say my ability to actualize is pretty all right, even down to new ceiling fans :-D However, I think the most poignant one I wrote was in 2019 when I said I wanted to have a better relationship with my siblings, and I can truly say that has happened... It is the one I'm most proud of.

downwind | upstream