Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-01-24

20 Years (or So)

I guess I've become one of those people who avoid those who aren't well. I've been bad with getting back in touch with Carlo the German who I suspect isn't telling me he has end-stage cancer. He's been complaining about constant pain (not a good sign) and not being able to walk on his own without support of a walker or cane. His docs recommended he apply for a clinical trial for his inoperable prostate cancer. Well, well, he's definitely been putting up a fight, just as the same as my old friend Remy who checked out after his third bout with Non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Remy's last one (when I lumped the 2nd and 3rd together) was 7 years with 1 year in that with remission.

When I talk to C, he talks a lot about his pain and other ways his body appears to be in a state of revolt. I feel so drained after our conversations. I had to stop myself from crying at least twice; he doesn't like to see that if it's about him. When I visited him 2 summers ago, I hate to admit I evaded him a bit for that reason. Carlo still wants me to come over (perhaps one last time) but then doesn't; he doesn't want to me to see him as an infirm, a contrast to us having our bar crawls through Central London 24 years ago. I suppose these are reasons for avoidance, though I feel as guilty as hell. I wouldn't want to be treated this way if the tables were turned.

Well, I always remember him for his wit, humor, and clever ways he expresses himself. Sometimes all of that can be teased out of him in the thick of a heavy conversation. He has a certain look in his eyes and face, a look of levity, when he's in clever mode. When I visited 2 summers ago, we had a dinner followed by some wine, and after one of the clever conversations, I saw that look. It all reminded me of what I noticed of him that fateful afternoon when we met in a pub while watching Wimbeldon. The breezy connection we shared in 1998 really didn't change. There's some things we still have. I certainly would like to visit him again.

Work Sweet Work (to play on those 'Home Sweet Home' signs). Being short-staffed has been an issue for the last 4 years for my building and most of its departments. The person who took over my previous position constantly bemoans their workload and others bemoan the unfilled vacant positions which give them more work. I finally asked the question in an open forum at a recent departmental meeting: 'What if this is all we get? What are we going to do if the cavalry never comes? For the past 3 years, our organization hasn't given us the green light to fill openings, so it makes me wonder.' I noticed other places that offered similar services are operating on half the staff nowadays, and I shared that observation. People in the building keep thinking we'll magically get our vacant positions filled, but I don't see that. I'm surprised my question didn't piss off any of the grand pubahs who were present, they actually seemed to think it over.

Body Sweet Body (hah). I decided to see about the hernias that have been giving me issues if my doctor's office ever calls me back to schedule something (thank you, Great Resignation). I did some twists in my usual calisthenics over the weekend, and I ended up laying down for 10 minutes with an icepack on my lower abdomen. I understand this is the type of thing that happens with age. I also think of all the things I did to my body with sports, exercise, and how I cared for it. I guess I was pretty hard on it at certain point with overactivity and diet at times. A part of me feels like my body is now saying, 'hahaha, fuck you for what you did to us!' But, this is usual. I guess we literally do have to get sewn or patched back in place after enough mileage, hahaha.

Yeah, I've noticed the changes since my late 30s, and now it seems to be picking up the pace. My students are usually quite polite with holding open doors, calling me 'Ma'am' or 'Ms. --' (I've always liked the students). There's certain things I'll do if it genuinely interests me, but there's other things where I just have to accept is not my fully my scene anymore. I don't think I'm going to do The Ripcord or rides like that anymore (especially once I found out how unregulated they are). I'm not ready to quit my life and resign myself to croqueting on my rocker while watching game shows, but... those things are closer to me than they were 10 years ago.

Oh, yeah. 20 years ago, I was in the middle of grad school. 20 years from now, assuming I stay reasonably healthy, I will likely retire from work. There's a thought. 20 years ago felt like yesterday in some ways, but I gained a lot of miles in life. Here's to more to come, wherever they lead!

downwind | upstream