Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-01-09

And together

I hope what happened wasn't a complete figment of my imagination (I'm sure it wasn't). I hope the words we said to each other were 100% true (I'm peculiarly sure they just may well be).

The affection was real, I'm sure it was. I touched his heart, literally, when I said it was his talent. Yes, I always saw that heart of his, from the time we first met to now. We held each other. I felt him breathe, yet I didn't want to gobble up more. I just wasn't ready, but I whispered to myself that we will have time.

I sensed it was coming. I kind of knew what I was going to say and it was quite hard to say to to myself. I actually cried once or twice as I thought about it all and processed it, partly by the embarrassment of admitting certain things out loud and also because the pain I tried to hide was very real. I was sure we would come to this point, and then after a while I didn't think we would. But, we did and I told him what I needed to say.

I was so very happy to see him and he was for me. Nothing changed between us, I still felt the little sparkle that usually appeared most of the time we were together. It's just... I had a bit to drink (we went to that damn 3 for 1 drinks place where all the elderly people danced, hahahahah) and a lot blurred together, inside me and outside us.

We could had danced that night, but I didn't want to. I wasn't feeling it, but now I see why.

I got to sing a couple songs to him, and we had 2 dances with the elderly. We had a slow dance or 2. So, I take that back, we did dance but just not with the discotheque intensity I had in my late teens and 20s.

I invited him back to my patio lounge condo for a drink and to talk in private. We ate the leftovers from our Asian meal and talked. Marley the Dog was very happy to see him and was acting crazy until she got a little tired out. She laid on her side and fell asleep nearby us as we talked about... the next steps.

I don't think I'm going to jinx myself by saying any of this because I think he wants it to work. I actually do, too. It's just a matter of me confronting many fears and allowing myself to be fully loved by someone, and believing it can happen even between 2 imperfect people like ourselves.

I feel like walking a million miles today even though it's overcast and drizzly, just so I can see and feel it all more clearly. Is it my disbelief I need to work through, insecurities, or... an acknowledgement that we both had to go through many things to get to where we are now? Or disbelief that it can actually work?

I then look at this dystopia we live in, and thought about the relationship I started almost a year ago and right after the Covid deaths and infections were at their highest. I remembered feeling so blessed to have that passion, joy, and connection despite what was happening around us, and feeling it was a precious gift. I suspected we were much more open to each other than usual thanks to the pandemic; we ditched a lot of our previous terms and conditions because the love and connection were more valuable, and the terms and conditions would had kept them from happening. Hahaha, it was like we had a clause for Emergency or Acts of God... Ok, let's not be so fussy but let love guide us instead, and that we did for that time.

It's a similar feeling again. It's like that song I once referenced that I heard in Jamaica, let's stop the fighting and pettiness and just focus on the love we have for each other instead.

There's certain things I'd have to leave behind about the past, but yet there's certain things I bringing with me. If I didn't see or experience them, I wouldn't had gotten the chance to appreciate what I have so much more. And I actually would love to keep some of those things with me. It won't be hard. People leave valuable things in our hearts that can carry us through life, just like what I said to my Uncle Joe as he grieved the loss of his mother.

Surely this will lead to grief, there has to be an ending, but it's all part of the cycle of live to death and then rebirth. I guess we can just enjoy the time in between the very best we can, and together.

downwind | upstream