Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-01-31

Towards that something else instead

Am I just a serious little chicken shit? What is up with the resistance? Is it the fear from something I have yet to let go?

Did I make the jump with Huck because I subconsciously suspected it really wasn't going to go far because he lived far away and because of our differences? Did I really mistake the throes of one very surprising infatuation as true love? Well yeah, we definitely connected in some ways and could see each other remarkably clearly (in some ways), but could that really had stood the reality tests that come with relationships? Not that I want to know at this point, but I'm just saying the feel-good things and our delusions were a big part of what kept things going and it probably would had sputtered once those things faded.

And 'reality tests...' Maybe this is one big reality test for me and for us. One wise woman said 'shit gets real' once relationships get to certain points. I think what I have with Rafael, as it turned out, is as real as it gets and probably has for the both of us.

I think I said here before that love doesn't just include infatuation. Sometimes we're shown our warts and sore spots, and either we look and do something, look at feel like crap (something I've done), or avoid or evade. It's natural when souls (and bodies) are being laid bare. Sometimes it might show our most secret or deepest wound, and we're left to do something about it.

I've been so reluctant to make this jump, and part of it I've got some serious debris to blow out of my head. A part of me wonders how much people really can change. Hell, when Jens Copperas and I saw each other 28 years after we met, we saw things in each other that didn't change and I guess that's called our temperament or personality. A part of me wonders how much I can change.

How much I can change? I really got too used to my own company and partial relationships. It really has done something to my head. As much as I hate having dinner alone in my dining room, I do kinda like my own company and space. Sometimes I get weirded out having people around. Some would say we do what we have to do to adapt to our conditions, but maybe all of this isn't very supportive to actually letting someone in.

Gee, perhaps I have to tweak the way I perceive myself and who I am. I've been told at least once that I misunderstand myself, and in a way, that's what I'm afraid of. If I'm really a certain way, then maybe I'm really _______ (fill in the blank of all the things that terrified me or make me stay isolated).

Then again, maybe the truth will set me free from all those misunderstandings.

I didn't know how cynical and jaded I really was until a revealing talk I had over the weekend. Some of my guy friends have eternal hope and continue their hops in and out of relationships, where I mutter when I meet one, 'm'kay, tell me what your shitty deal is first and let me think of how well I can handle it, and maybe we can proceed,' and I'm afraid I probably radiate that vibe despite all my self-knowledge, experience and bla bla blah.

Hey, my mentor, the hapless romantic tells me to just try, try, and try again and drop the heavy crap, and just keep trying.

Maybe I'm just way too much in my damn head. Hah.

I just think about that song I've also mentioned here where the lady singer sang let's drop the things that keep us from loving one another, and let's just love each other instead. I also think that when I think of some of the happiest moments and times I've had with someone, Rafael and I were the common denominator for many of them.

Maybe the biggest jump I'd ever make in my life wasn't away from my family, but towards that something else instead.

downwind | upstream