Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-04-15

The weight of being outcasts: A redux

Every so often, the outcast status assigned to my siblings and I rears its head. I recently noticed we still have that status. Our parents' actions did it and so were the labels we were born with. We all were mixed, parts of different things but not enough of others. Our parents haven't been together for a very long time. My birth father has been deceased for over 30 years and my step-father for 5, yet we are still treated differently by those we thought we belonged to.

It's like we are still blamed for the sins of our parents on top of our own. It took years of my mentor telling me my parents' sins are not our fault, and that is an objective truth. My siblings and I didn't tell our parents to do what the fuck they did and I recently told one of my sisters we had no responsibility for any of that.

Once I said that, I remembered the dream where I successfully defended myself against my step-father's violence. I finally took what what he used against us and defended myself instead. When I told my sister we had no responsibility, I felt like I was able to turn around what we've been told for so long and say, 'the fuck it was!' outload and to someone else.

I suppose my siblings have to forge this in their heads the same way I had to accept the world saw my birth father as one thing while the women in his life had something completely different. I had to learn to live with this truth and quietly embrace my own. Maybe it's time for me to recommend this.

My younger siblings are still treated horribly by their father's family even though our mother has been divorced from him for over 30 years. My step-father probably had nothing positive to say about them while he was alive and blamed our mother for everything that went wrong. Despite what he said, I'm sure his family dwells with split perceptions about him. He was their beloved baby boy that did awful things and they would rather forget all that. They are reminded every time they see or hear about my siblings, especially when they fuck up.

I know I've said it here, but I'll never tire of saying it again. At my step-father's funeral and wake, his cousin who was a minister was the last to speak. He suggested to not forget my SF always wanted to do things his own way and that it often was the wrong way. Something in me felt so content to hear that because someone was speaking a truth that no one wanted to face. It helped me feel we weren't crazy and that someone else definitely had seen it; if he had, then surely others did even if they denied it.

I'm not sure my siblings really defended themselves against that hostility. I don't think I ever heard them say something simple as stop, this is untrue, this hurts my feelings, why are you saying this? what good does it to be this way? do you feel higher when you're putting me down? We had an asshole distant cousin who said some crap about my brother (who was also her godbrother) and I simply told her she was speaking disrespectfully and that I didn't like her tone. She never spoke to me again but I accepted that. Instead of saying 'sorry' she couldn't face my simple words that were far less harsh than hers ever were, and I guess she was content with stepping on my brother to elevate herself.

I have a feeling instead of defending themselves, they turned it inward just as I had for too long. God knows our mother barely could defend herself or show us how. I guess defending myself was a skill I've had to nurture over a very long time; at least I can thank my birth father's semi-pro boxing champ background for planting seeds of defiance and self-defense somewhere in my psyche.

What brings this up is one of my sisters had been taking classes to be confirmed as a Catholic. Her paternal aunt/ godmother agreed to sponsor her but backed out at the end of my sister's classes without reason. There were some rumors that circulated, and I have a feeling they were between her oldest half-sister and our youngest sister. I don't know if my sister being confirmed is into bad or illegal things lately, but confirmation isn't tied to anything like that! I just thought it was cruel for the aunt/ godmother to back out that way and not even be a part of my sister trying something positive.

Lately, I've noticed that what happened with my siblings' father's side is quite similar to mine. I eventually started to suspect my birth father's siblings didn't want much to do with me or my paternal sisters for the same reason. Even after I did what they suggested (lose weight, improve my appearance, become more outgoing, get success in education and in my profession), they didn't accept me or feel happy for me. I felt so demoralized and didn't understand what that was about. My nephew (from a paternal half-sister) really wanted to connect with different people on our father's side and he didn't get a reception at all, and he's a good kid. I was very surprised that family didn't even respond to him (considering how that side favors males and they could meet a grandson of their beloved brother).

I had to accept there will probably never be a bridge between me and them. It didn't mean I wasn't good enough or didn't try hard enough. Some of my paternal cousins are pretty cool and I stay in contact with those, but I stopped trying to reach out when I wasn't getting much back. I also had to resolve that anger. I now am mostly glad I don't have to keep meeting their ridicule, and I see they are very imperfect people. I'm not perfect and neither are they. A deep part of me wonders if they avoid their brother's children because we remind them of what they want to forget about him, kind of like how it is with my younger siblings and their father's family.

If anything, I should just be glad I was able to make a decent life for myself without them, be with friends and fans, and to just keep going my own way. It's upsetting to think about at times, but now I just want to live the remainder of my own life without that extra weight.

I can't save my siblings or fix it all for them, but hopefully what I've seen can ease some of their weight.

I just think about the gatherings we've had these past 3 years where we were so free. No one at Clearwater Beach or the campground knew our story, no one knew we were outcasts. If anything, we chatted freely with others. Other kids played with my siblings' kids, adults were friendly to us and treated us well. There were no haters (ha, and that's the exact word) and everything seemed normal. I just want my siblings and I to go through life with so many more experiences like that. I want to reach a point where the notion that we can be free and fully ourselves far, far, far outweighs the ridicule and shadow of our unkind families. I do hope that we all can live in that life fully and with much less of the weight of being outcasts.

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