Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-04-14

In the Middle

(American colloquial voice) I loves' me this guy, mmm-mmmm-mmmmh!! It reminds me of the classic soul I'd hear as a kid.

Never agree to extra responsibilities right before a change like a death, divorce or surgery. The days whiz by at work thanks to the 2 extra tasks I took on because of another departure. I come home pretty spent most evenings. I guess these past 3 weeks were tense because our building is seeking a new big boss, so that added to the usual fun. Well, one of the candidates was fiiiiiine and refreshing so his presence was balmy. Everyone is terrified with wondering how this transition will go and what rumors flying around turned out to be true (especially so after last week's reveal).

Rafael came over last night and I was going to make chicken marsala, but I didn't have enough meat thawed. We ended up heading to a local Italian place we liked very much. But, we both started to fade over the course of the meal. Once we got home, we both were content to crash on the sofa where we stayed until midnight.

As much (and as easily) as we communicate, I'm starting to realize where I can ask an additional question or make an observation. He then says things I didn't know he felt or thought. He admits he didn't even know that was in him until he talked about it. I now understand how draining it is for him and his siblings to take care of their 88-year old father; they apparently pay a lot out of pocket for his in-house caregiver (and luckily they do all right for themselves).

Then, he's been talking about his own job a lot lately, where he's been for 30-odd years. Rafa's realizing they are gradually closing shop and that's distressing for him. He's still trying to figure out what he can do because the shop is paying him well (and will offer a generous severance package) if he stays until they axe him.

Yeah, things we don't know about people until we go a little further (and gee, maybe that helps them know things for themselves). We've known each other for 6 years and been in a relationship for somewhat less than half of that.

It's such a stark contrast with other relationships I've had. I know the infatuation and up-all-night sex or conversations usually fade at a certain point in any relationship, and they are replaced by an overall steady middle. I then think about that -- daze, delusion, infatuation, alternative reality (?) I had with Huck last year. I think we relished all of that (except it wasn't up-all-night, we were always asleep by somewhat decent hours, hah). Well hell, all of that would had taken the turn to the middle if we were able to keep things going.

As lovely as all that was, it's strangely better to have my feet on the ground and to more fully know what the hell really is what with Rafa, even when I ask him questions (or at least so it seems this far along). I do miss the combination of passion and companionship with Huck while realizing it an escape (especially considering the world was on fire, hahah, there's my excuse). I miss the buzz, but I also remember how raw my nerves often felt. I suppose now I'm in the phase in my current relationship where as an old friend said, 'shit gets real' and they're right. Aging parent, job insecurity, check and check.

And then there's good ol' me. I thought my energy was steadying itself after the surgery, but I was *wrong*. When I talked to my boss for our bi-monthly meeting, they smartly asked, 'how are you feeling?' Oh, they know it's been up and down for me despite my usual productivity (though my bee hive brain of ideas has been quiet). I feel better but I still get tired (at least it takes longer). I don't feel nearly as much pain. I'm still bloated. I might need to do one last hurrah with lipo and call it my menopause makeover (hah). Well, I'm not sure Rafa would stand me for another recovery (hahaaaaaa), or I can assure myself that Latin men like their women a little thick anyhow, or ask myself how much all of that really means to me and to accept my curvy body in its natural, aging form.

Oh, yeah, and I applied to get retrained in what will probably be a 3-year program. The only damn thing I'm waiting for is my transcript from University of the Rust Belt State who apparently have an antiquated process for sending them. A former boss, my current boss, and my other friend/ escapee from the hometown Bernardo wrote my letters of recommendation. If all goes well and the world hasn't melted, I'll start in the fall.

downwind | upstream