Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-05-23

Welcome back, Anxiety

Anxiety seems to be coming a regular companion again. It wasn't unusual to feel this way from time to time during lockdown and remote work. I just remember the many periods of my life where I really struggled and it often came when I tried something new and with a big investment of sorts. It sometimes happens when things end.

And I'm embarrassed to admit, it but it often battered me when I got close to people. I guess that lonesome child inside feels better being alone than taking chances, being let down, or rejected. Sometimes she's afraid she will screw things up.

I've reverted every so often and then I get to wiggle my way or creepy my way back to an inner balance.

My mentor wants to terminate our working together and it hurts. He had been canceling a lot these past 3 months and I can see it clearly now. And, I know he doesn't approve of Rafael (he know him fairly well). The mentor really has no business in my personal matters, it's not his role. I even had a scary dream about it last night and if the dream is to be taken as something to consider, then termination would not be a bad thing at all.

A part of me wonders if there is a valid reason my mentor doesn't think Rafa is the one for me.

I wish it didn't end this way with the mentor, but it likely will.

So I feel anxious again and it angers me because it often obscures everything that is good in my life. It is like that energy just diverted from being alive to soothing or managing the anxiety because my alarms are going off in my head.

Sometimes the anxiety did steer me away from something but often it does not. It is like a brake that is stuck and I feel like I poured so much energy into that pit throughout my life. I know it thinks its job is to protect but it has kept me from so many things.

Like I said, I've been able to creep through it and sometimes I let it decide and ran away. It takes so long to creep through it, like it requires me to go through an obstacle course to prove I am worthy to release it, and I sometimes give up because I get exhausted. Sometimes I get to the finish line and ta-da, feel great.

This anxiety is so isolating, like it's hard to talk and interact with others when the works feel so gummed up inside.

Welcome back, anxiety. Make your self comfortable during your miserable stay.

downwind | upstream