Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-03-24

Going above and beyond what was expected, but towards what was hoped for

I got swept up in the college basketball tournament known as March Madness, and 3 of my favorite teams were in it. My fave was eliminated, but I have 2 other teams with a chance. The games have been really good, and one of my teams was an underdog and hustled the hell out of the higher ranked teams they played.

Oh, how I love the underdog or sleeper teams (oh, I’ve written about those here). One of my teams definitely played like one.

I don’t talk about this much, but I was a college athlete for almost a year. It was not an official team but a club sport, but it sure felt like a team. I played high school sports and I was good, but inconsistent. I remember being so nervous when I was up to bat or to serve. When I did make the play, I could be frightening. I guess that weight lifting (thx to Mr. T., the teacher I mentioned yesterday), my good aim, and coordination came in handy.

However, back to the college team. I had no idea I’d be able to do the things I was able to do. We ran mile-long sprints, and woke up at ungodly hours for practice. In the college team, I could be put just about anywhere and play the position. My teammates and I also discovered that female athletes also do academically well. My team had the highest average GPA of all the women’s sports at our uni, and the average female athlete had a 3.0 GPA (B+ or 90 % in American standards). It’s so nice to be able to think about that and see I was able to really— go past what I thought was possible.

What the hell, being at University of the Rust Belt State was beyond what I thought was possible, I guess I just took all that further despite some relatively typical missteps for a young adult (and one doing it all on my own).

So…. I tell myself I can still do it. It was in me to reach beyond when I had much less of everything. I’d say I had a lot more hope and aspiration. Now it’s inverse in a weird way.

I see that I get frightened when I have to jump a distance, towards something I’ve never had or done before. Terribly frightened! I see it’s a pattern I’ve had for quite a bit (but not my entire life). I feel I’m not ready or capable. I have dreams about that from time-to-time.

I watched those young players playing their hearts out for that one chance in the national level tournaments, and going above and beyond what they expected but towards what they hoped for.

It reminds me, in a way, of myself almost 30 years ago. Except, I did it. Ok, I didn’t get to a national tournament with a strong team. I did, however, play my heart out when I got my equivalent (though I was fucking scared as hell). I messed it up at the last minute in one instance. I had some sound victories in others. And, I just did all right for others. It didn’t feel like much at the time and I didn’t have a lot of confidence. Now, I can finally tell myself it really meant something and most importantly, for myself.

I think some of the ways I managed my previous disappointments were not in my best interest. I had to adjust my expectations for so many reasons, and I guess I talked crap to myself so I wouldn’t be too upset or disappointed, but what if some of it is able to change after all? So much in my life changed because of the ways I (positively) pushed myself as a student and athlete at URBS even though I had some losses. Surely, the same is possible now?

This makes me think about what were hard jumps to reach goals, but I now also think I need to allow myself to soak it in when it’s finished or recognized. I think one of my misgivings was missing the student awards ceremony in my last year of high school. I forgot about it, but at the same time, I was indifferent to it. I didn’t care about my accomplishments at that time and I figured no one around me would, either. I was wrong. My teacher Mr. Redbeardmorton told me the next day I missed it and people wondered why I wasn’t there, so it did kind of matter to my teachers and my peers. They were a part of those accomplishments and it would, in a way, be celebrating them.

I was also wrong because those accomplishments showed me, 27 years later, that I was able to keep myself together while multiple things around me took disruptive twists that would had messed up anyone. That realization was the biggest thing that mattered to me.

downwind | upstream