Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-04-02

When… we both got to try again.

When someone tells and shows you who they are, believe them.

When intuition softly taps on your shoulder (or grabs you by it and shakes you), listen.

When multiple people give a message you need to hear but just weren’t hearing in yourself, take heed.

When it all looks like it’s going down a road you saw before or multiple times, take note and respond if you don’t want to see that road again.

I guess something got my attention about Av. I couldn’t get him out of my mind when we met. He felt the same way about me. There was something I needed or wanted to see, and did I. We always liked talking to each other and spending time together before we started going out.

I met a charming man with a radiant personality and a very big heart and feeling nature. Those were all very real and what others also could see about him. I also got to see he had some very serious, worse-than-mine kind of issues. I went with it, and all I can say at this point is I got a huge download of… information, emotions, intuition. I learned so much more about people, and life. His life story is quite fascinating, but what he chose to do with it is a different subject. There was something I needed to see, and I’d only see and learn if I got closer, and I did. I wouldn’t get released from it until I got to see it. I felt the same way about Huck; it was an iffy relationship, but something told me I needed to see it anyway.

I’m sure it will all come to me in the days to come, in bits and pieces, and through a difficult conversation or exchange of texts.

I should had gotten a clue when he picked me up for our first solo date, and I could smell the alcohol on him and in his car. I got more clues as he told me his drinking stories. They went beyond frat house/ college, picnic, family gathering or between-friends misadventures. They were near-identical to the those of my uncles, including Uncle Joe who got a vagrancy and public drunkenness charge towards the end of his life. It hurt so bad to hear the stories, they got worse and it was certainly the direction he was going. The drinking was going to get him in trouble again. Yes, ‘again,’ and it was by God’s grace that he never got convicted or served time. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him the next time something happened.

I also learned that his sister (who’s absolutely lovely) really held him together and gave him a living allowance because she was loaded. His roomie Tex told me a seemingly small detail about that. I sensed something peculiar between them and Tex’s detail filled in that blank, or maybe Tex quietly and intentionally pointed at that bread crumb. Av’s ex-wife supported him for a good part of their marriage; she works for successful entertainment venue owned by her family, so I started to see a pattern that I didn’t like at all. He dated very beautiful and successful women (he was definitely a ‘10’ back in the day and was still good looking). It’s nice to know I possibly was seen as also attractive and successful (hah)— who could also take care of him.

The final clues came on a recent road trip while we ate dinner at the bar of a restaurant. We both had a bit to drink while we wandered the beach town and then went for some food. I went to pick songs and add money to the jukebox when he did some stupid crap. When I came back, I heard him brag to the guy sitting next to him and describe the end of how scored with me during the trip. The look I gave when I overheard it from behind Av’s back stopped all conversation. I said something benign, ended it with a laugh, and we soon left. The guy and his wife looked at us like, ‘uh-oh, busted!’ and quietly let us on our way.

Yeah, it definitely was embarrassing. I could easily see that as locker room or guy talk, in the confines of those guy-talk zones, but it was in public to a stranger and his wife, and after perhaps too much sunshine and wine. What else would happen under these conditions?

Av promised he’d stop drinking. Hell, he promised he’d manage it better early in the relationship. Two weeks ago, I left work early one day and we met for an early dinner at 4:00, and I already smelled the alcohol on him and his slowed speech also gave it away. He probably did most of it when we weren’t face-to-face. I told him he had to stop drinking for himself and his own sake.

We live and learn. Next. Well, I gave it a try. At least it wasn’t the nebulous if not delusional thing I had with Huck, and at least Avery was transparent about himself (we both were). Maybe that was what it was all about, just for us to see, live and learn, and to walk through it all. I sure hope he gets help for himself and doesn’t end up like one of my uncles, or get into worse trouble.

Yes, Av has been a great friend through the whole thing (no kidding) and encouraged me to make certain moves; he advice really made sense and it was quite wise. He is and was very precious to me, but too much of someone or something may not be a good thing in the longer run of things.

This relationship wasn’t just my experience, it was his, too. We both got to try again. I’m sure I threw some curve balls Av’s way and wasn’t the greatest of dates at times, and there’s probably quite a few things he could say about me. Anyhow, I guess I’ll just use this page to vent about it and just hope for the best next time.

The world has a way of giving me perspective. I just found out that Lucy, my uber assertive stepmother #2, is at the end of her life which stresses the hell out of my older (paternal) half-sis. Lucy is giving her end-of-life directives, and my sis Cindy had to include her mother’s sisters in on the caregiving action. Something similar happened in grad school (and after the end of a short-lived thing with a classmate). Stepmother #1 had a serious illness, and died a month later. I had very good relationships with the both of them. Stepmother #3, the last wife of my birth father, died shortly before my grandfather in 2012. If Lucy goes soon, my mother would be the last of my father’s known baby-mommas (sorry, but the description is true, he was only married to #3).

downwind | upstream