Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-04-19

Turn and unfold around me

Ei, yi, yi. I don’t feel like being too gloomy today or at least not quite yet.

There I went with another cleaning of the office. We recently got the chance to paint our dingy walls (they simply covered them with an equally dingy, cheap white), purchase new office furniture (which is guaranteed to not go the 30+ years most of the building’s furniture endured and guaranteed to go out of style in 2 years), and get blinds for the large, immovable plastic windows. I had to take everything off the walls, and I decided I won’t put them back up.

I went a step further. I tossed out lots of papers, binders I never used, and other relics of the past. I read over the notes I copiously took during my covid lockdown-era studies. Ugh, I shuddered to read them and songs from the playlist from that time came back to me. My handwriting was faint, small, and shaky. Oh, right, that was because I usually watched the webinars and did my work from my home office futon (and with a little wiggly dog nestled at my side).

I don’t think about that summer much. It was a blur. But, I’m definitely enjoying the fruits of the labor I did at that time. I guess the new learning kept my head together.

I’m wrapping my head around this temporary middle pubah thing. I felt terrified at any thought of taking on such a role in my building, but I guess the new grand pubah’s confidence in me shook a lot of that off (not to mention that of my current boss, who pushed me under the bus multiple times over the years).

One of the units, I noticed, had been really cheerful towards me. Since I’ve won a grand total of zero popularity contests in the building, I wondered what it was about. The unit has had a few of the longest-serving employees, and through a process of elimination, they probably guessed I’d be the next in line. They are fairly sharp. We haven’t announced it yet because many details are not clear. It’s soon Mercury retrograde: not a great time to make such a move or announcement.

The class I’m taking is winding down. I heard Professor I(nsano) got very sick from covid in February and it slowed him down. He’s continued to take it easy on us, and all we have left besides these dense-as-fuckall readings is a 5-page final exam essay. I’d really love to take another course in the summer, but I’ve got too much going on with travel and getting ready for the temp position.

And then, I breathe. I don’t see Avery as much. I didn’t realize he had drinks before seeing me most of the time we hung out. He’s been sober and he’s much different, I see him much differently. He still has his big heart, but he’s not as nearly expressive (hah, alcohol does that). Quite a bit of his humor and plays with words don’t come out like they did. Maybe I really didn’t get to see who he really was.

One of my friends asked me how I feel about the distance. I said I still am happy when I see him, but maybe what happened was at the right time. Let’s see, there’s a lot happening now and in the months to come. I need the space, I said to my friend. It feels great to breathe and I’ve really savored my freedom and space in a way I hadn’t in a long time. I think I need the space to really grasp what’s happening around me.

I think of what Uncle Ralph one said to me (yeah, that really is his name, he’s a year older than my father). He advised me to ignore men while climbing the ladder of success. I replied that the right one would be supportive of a woman on her way up there, and he shook his head. This uncle tended to be a little extreme, but… relationships do take a lot of energy and Av did for sure. If he had his way, he’d be around all the time.

So here I am, writing and enjoying this quiet evening as the sun goes down, looking at the pond behind my building from dining room table. It’s nice enough (and low humidity) to open the windows, and I just take in this spaciousness, letting it turn and unfold around me, wherever it may go.

downwind | upstream