Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-04-26

The little frog in tepid but warming water.

(Warning: Work dump in process)

Wow, I’m amazed at what the consultants hired to advise the building on its services said to us about some changes we wanted. They acknowledged the sorry shape of funding, facilities, and support from our institution, and then said it was on us to make it better. A part of me thinks the grand pubah of our building told them to tell us this so they don’t have the responsibility of assisting with those changes.

I think the grand pubah, who’s been with us for less than a year, realizes they are also fu*ked. They got a bit of a bait-and-switch when they took the job. Don’t get me wrong, the GP is the real deal and is a very knowledgeable and accomplished person in our field. It’s just that they can’t do magic or perform miracles. Or revamp a building that’s rotted to the core with WD-40 and duct tape.

The meeting reminded me of the one we had after our previous grand pubah abruptly resigned/ retired/ was told to go. Some truths about this person came out, and people looked like they were about to cry from hearing them. My co-workers had a similar reaction but were angry this time. One colleague called me to vent. Our GP just asked us to do some piddly thing and that straw broke the colleague’s back. Another colleague came to the suite of offices next to mine, and she just let it rip when she shared some intelligence she gathered about some decisions above us.

We’re supposed to be able to hire people, but there’s been multiple obstacles. I’m not sure the GP is that serious about it. They were supposed to hire people in other places in the building, but that’s not going to happen, according to the colleague.

I honestly wonder if maybe the GP and institution wants us all to leave. Maybe the institution really is trying to starve us out to where we resign and then they don’t have to fire us and pay unemployment benefits. Maybe my colleagues and I really aren’t seen has having a function here, and we just don’t know it yet.

Talk about the little frog who’s in the tepid water and does not realize it’s getting hotter. That may be us.

If it weren’t Mercury Retrograde, I’d be looking for another job. Therefore, I wait until it’s over. I know I’ve vented about my job for ages, but I’ve been starting to realize it may not be worth it any more. This place is like a very bad marriage. I used to joke the place is like the relationship with someone you can’t stand. They barely give enough to keep the relationship going, but there is a kernal of love somewhere, and you want to ditch them so badly but you just can’t because you know you could do worse.

Now, it’s like a relationship full of gaslighting, bordering on abusive. “No, I didn’t hit you across the face, my hand just slipped.”. Hah. “I was just kidding, why do you have to take my jokes so seriously? You are just too sensitive!”

One of the consultants was very friendly towards me and advised me to look at her website for information about my specialization. I was familiar with it. Gee, maybe there’s a job opening and she’d like to poach me? I’d really hate to leave this place for the upper midwest, but I’ve been to that city before and felt all right. I’d just have to be sure to find a way to survive long, drawn-out winters (waaaah).

Someone must had picked up on my vibe cos they texted me, “hey love, you wanna hang tonight?”. Oh, I knew exactly what they meant cos they added they got some great spliff. I said yeah, so they’ll be over with a pizza and their company.

It made me think of the “vulnerable times,” hah. One person totally went for the kill after one of my relatives died. They gave me the royal treatment because they know how adults feel after deaths (live more, cry less, to censor myself). I summarized that as a sympathy lay. The Huck thing happened (and to us both) at a vulnerable time (covid restrictions). There had been other times where, hey, something’s really jacked up. Why don’t we take our mind off it for a little while? As long as it’s harmless, ok. If it takes the edge off things and reminds me of life’s beauty, very well. If I can handle the hangover or the thought of, ‘what the fuck just happened?’ it should be ok.

The work crap has been on my mind since forever, and it’s been recently where I was open to moving on, even down to selling my place and trying again elsewhere, and hoping to God it works out.

Well, it’s not everyday where I’m told my intuition is on the money, or for me to see that sticking something out sometimes just isn’t worth it.

Until the next time I talk about my love/ loathing relationship with my job, here’s were I be for tonight.

downwind | upstream