Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-05-06

Pull me away, pull me back

Catching my breath now that the semester is over. I can finally give my house a proper cleaning.

I couldn’t stand Professor Insano, but I signed up for another class in the summer. Gawd, I gotta get this damn program done!! I wish I could take 2 classes a semester but I know I’d lose it further if I did. I really need sleep.

I was offered a temporary middle-pubah placement, and I have a feeling something is gonna change about all of that. I don’t know what, I just have a feeling. It’s not a scared or hypervigilant feeling, it’s more like—. ‘watch and listen, you’ll get some information between the lines that pop up into visibility and you will know.’

Thank you, Universe.

The new grand pubah of my building is holding a special meeting next week and I have a feeling they are gonna give us a swift kick in the pants. They provided the agenda which is a serious talk about our performance and her expectations. The performance of most of my colleagues really has slid downhill these past few years. I’m not too worried cos they said they were happy with my performance (and did something different and judged me by my actions rather than ability to be popular).

I am grateful for my ability to see shit that not many others can see. I wanna see how close to the mark I am with this one.

I never want to do another fucking project again, but gee, I’m so good at them. The one I’m on has been awful with one curve ball after another, but I guess it’s a damn good thing I played softball for 3 years. I’ll breathe another huge sigh of relief come June 2 when we write the final report and the project is closed.

I was so good at this project from hell that the building pubahs asked me to write some policy about it for others to follow. I laugh. Despite all that went wrong and the sloppiness of it all, they really are learning from me being caught in the snare trap first (and spared them of it).

It was Avery who texted me last week and he was more than happy to relieve me of stress. We cuddled on the sofa, ordered takeout, watched movies, and— remained on the sofa for other things.

My 25-year old nephew has Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. His older sister is the third person in my family to get her bachelor degree (I was the first, our cousin was the second). It was in criminal justice, and I am overjoyed. She did it as a single (divorce) mom, a sailor (she’s in the Navy) and away from the hometown. I had a nice talk with my sis Big Momma about all of that. We don’t talk much but I try to be a good sister and use what I know to hopefully be a nightlight in the darkness. Her son and his father are in denial about it, but I assured her the will to live tends to win over pride and stubbornness after a long tussle with denial.

I am enjoying the beauty of mi casa, my little house. I sure hope I don’t have to leave it too soon. Or, if I do have to go anywhere, I hope to hell I got the money to make it as gorgeous, homey, and warm as this. There’s things, however, I didn’t do. Rafael brought a warmth to the house that never went way. Huck brought a joy and passion. Avery brings a nurturing presence and makes it feel like a family den (with the occasional grown-up action). My buddy Jimbob and his dogs brought a sense of midwestern family. My loved ones brought something that I couldn’t build, they really added to it and I’m so grateful. It adds a beauty that pulls me away from the baloney, and pulls me back to life.

downwind | upstream