Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-05-14

Shedding, Allowing

We tried to fix the flush valve on my toilet but it leaked. In a moment of infinite wisdom, I tried again and ended up cracking the base of the toilet when I strong-armed a bolt connecting it to the tank. I went to the local big-box fix-it store where a saleslady gave me the straight dope on installation and picking out a toilet. The other saleslady lamented that she had to replace 101 things in her condo over the course of the year. I like getting into conversations with people there because… they are wise.

Next on the house repair list: new damn toilet. Haaaaah!! I’m very glad I have the guest loo still functioning. With a new toilet, I guess that means I’ll have less stuff to fix for the longer haul in this house.

I had a lovely lunch with an old friend where we laughed and caught up. They are one of my favorite people. I met them on a little river where we watched yachts and boats come and go from the many canals to the ocean.

I enjoyed my old friend and it brought back a levity that’s been lacking. Since the spat between Avery and I in early April, if I was mad about his use, I had to take a look at mine. Cannabis really didn’t make me feel better; sometimes I felt physically weak or in a worse mood.

I didn’t like how I felt when I was buzzed most of the time. It’s not for me to judge others, this is about me and myself.

I went to a nice guided meditation event. I like this group and its spiritual practices. I didn’t take plant medicine, but the meditations were just as powerful. I’ve been creeping away from using plant medicine. The last 2 times I took aya weren’t particularly impactful though I learned more about the medicine. I also decided to stop working with ceremonial snuff (known has hapeh) because it usually made me feel awful. Maybe I learned and experienced all I needed at this time.

I also decided to cool my heels with the energy group I met 2 summers ago. I haven’t renounced it completely, but one thing I found so strange about the group was they dashed from energy work modality to another. They spent lots of time and money on teachers they thought would give them the answers or ability to work with energy as needed, or worse, influence things in the direction they wanted things to go.

It also seemed the people I met used these modalities in attempts to heal, fix, and control various things. I had to question if it brought them what they hoped to get out of it. So yeah, like with my observation of things with Avery, I looked at what it reflected in me. I quietly backed away from these things.

This other coven seems to focus more on the beliefs (giving and receiving love in all forms to one’s self and all living beings), and less on whatever it is they’re trying to fix.

So going back to the guided meditation, it really shed light on many inner blocks that remain but also… there were very real if not good reasons they came into being. The message I got, simply put, it to work gently with them. At the end of the meditation, my 4 and 8 year old selves appeared to me. They looked like normal little girls, and the younger one even held a doll (and I usually didn’t play with them as a kid). The girls were approachable and glad to see me; in the past, either they or I usually hid. With this appearance, the message I got was to work with my blocks with the gentleness I would treat these 2 little ones. It definitely went with the idea to lay off the plant medicine.

In closing,

I wish I knew how
It would feel to be free.
I wish I could break
All the chains holding me.
I wish I could say
All the things that I should say-- Say 'em loud, say 'em clear
For the whole round world to hear.
I wish I could share
All the love that's in my heart, Remove all the bars
That keep us apart.
I wish you could know
What it means to be me.
Then you'd see and agree
That every man should be free.
—Sang by Nina Simone, Lyrics by Billy Taylor

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