Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-09-13

Options, precious options

I guess the building grand pubah had a million and one things to make up after their lengthy leaves of absence, so that means the rest of us do, too. I'm amazed how it takes at least 15 emails to decide on a plan of action, and how easily wires get crossed. I have a remedy for that: if it's not my project or deal, I stay out of the way and 'mind my business' as some distant relatives said. It's like air traffic control. I feel like all I do is answer emails on some days and little else.

Our GP gets directives from their GP and gosh, they better damn well get done. I assured a person under my (temp) charge that I wasn't trying to throw my weight around when I gave them and their unit directives that needed to be promptly done.

Oh, yeah. The other reason we had to get on the g-damned ball was because something from the recent past blew back on us. Remember last year's project-from-hell that involved someone who gave us bad quality work? Apparently The Powers That Be above us took notice, were unhappy with the result, and expressed as much to our then-new GP. They warned the GP that if our building kept that up, we will face steep consequences. Our GP is upping the standards for everything we do and they give certain reasons for this; I'm not sure the rest of the building was aware about TPTB's warning. The GP will be the one to tell it. Like I said a couple paragraphs earlier, 'mind my business!' I just do what the GP and TPTB tell me. At least they knew I had no power over the person who did the crummy work.

This new position is really making me look differently at a lot of things.

I never, ever thought I'd be in this position. NEVER. And, not in my building. But, I see why the GP picked me. So far, the transition into the new position is a lot less clumsy than anticipated. I secretly admit that alot of that had to do with my old boss retiring. Once they were gone, I was surprised how little most of the division missed them. At one point, I thought maybe they'd be happy to have a change of the guard and some new blood, and a part of me thinks that's correct.

Lord, have mercy... there's lots of little thoughts I have about all of that and former fears and all that wonderful stuff from my anxious self. It's just that I've been so damn busy I can't entertain those thoughts or feelings much at all.

I'm taking one class this semester. I wish I could had decided on my coursework about a year or 2 earlier. I love my class and path of study. The people are from everywhere, and they are all working adults who are after the additional credential. It soothes my soul in a way I didn't expect.

The current prof is a pleasure to follow compared to Dr. Insano. He's super-good at what he does and is internationally known, yet he is warm, approachable and rather sweet.

I just remember that when I started this coursework, I dreamed I was in NYC and living in a brownstone. I walked down the street at dusk, in a barn jacket like what I had as an undergrad, and walked a few blocks to a campus. I felt very safe, and the air was refreshingly cooler. A church was on the grounds, and I walked up the wall (yes, really) and on the stained glass for the distance of the building, and then as I reached the edge of the church, I walked back on the sidewalk.

I had another dream. I walked down the steps of the same brownstone and a 10-year old girl waited for me at the foot of the steps. She reminded me of one of my nieces and asked if we were related. She asked that if we were related, then wouldn't she be related also to my other relatives? She was curious and just followed me like a puppy. The girl walked with me to the end of the block before I had to cross a street. I hoped to see her again later.

Mmm, I also dreamed of Huck the other day. I had seen him in the distance, his dark eyes, glasses, and wavy hair, and I felt joy in my heart. Not the infatuation, not the passion, not the illusions, but the joy that laid below all of that. We really did make each other happy. He once dedicated a song to me that said as much.

As the dream faded, I heard a whisper, "he didn't bring you anything you didn't already have."

I laid flat on my back as I drifted awake, and really had to-- lay with that for a bit.

The coursework takes a lot of energy, but being around my classmates and feeling like there's other chances and other open doors is precious to me.

This temp position is another open door, and I won't dismiss it or commit to it yet. I'll simply smile and enjoy this moment where I have multiple options and can pick the one that makes me happy as opposed to the one that's the least risky.

Options, precious options. It's nice to not feel trapped for once. I'll remember this the next time I feel like an air traffic controller tasked with keeping the GP's demands from colliding.

downwind | upstream