Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-10-07

Strange energy

My therapist says when I get into a state, please keep in mind it’s one part or side of me, not the true me or real me. We all have a core and my fear, anxieties, or other neuroses are not the real me or the core, even when I think they are when I’m chest-deep in a flood of them.

She’s been trying to get me to think of Schwartz’s inner family system’s 7 C’s. When I feel that fear, try to revert to the sensation of the 7 Cs to remind myself the flooded feeling is not a permanent part of me.

I got frustrated today, this week, this month. My fear has been mopping my ass all over the floor. Perhaps I’m sensing and absorbing the fears, frustration, and perhaps anger that wafts in the air in my building with its various changes and turmoil. I’ve been the canary in the coal mine at different times in my life, I kind of wonder.

The job has me confronting a lot of things. I stayed on the job as long as I had because I figured things would be the same elsewhere or worse. Now I’m trying to make some changes and go into a different direction and a different place for myself. Of course this shit would be scary. Many of my life transitions have been.

I never expected to be in a position of authority and it seems I’m wearing it fairly well. But the fear is the worse. Nothing has happened, there hasn’t been a revolt as far as I know, but echos of past professional betrayals just won’t leave me alone. I don’t know who I can trust, and I am wary and just want to be sure my presence is accepted. I’m nervous that if I express too much, I’ll make a big mess. I just want to keep things contained.

The other thing I confront is the social anxiety that has been my shadow for as long as I can remember. I can see where they happened, I think I have a pretty good idea. When it rises, it just takes over and I can do very little until the storm takes its course and it either faces, or I somehow flush that energy out of my system.

I hide myself so people don’t see or sense it. I hide a lot of my feelings from others so people don’t think I’m crazy. I say or do what I think will be acceptable, and act steady at times when I’m shaking or scared inside so it doesn’t spill out. I then get mad when people won’t let me speak or listen to me. Some would say it’s me not listening to myself or letting myself speak or feel freely. I prefer to be by myself because I usually feel calm when I’m alone. But, then I get lonely.

I’ve been breaking out all over my body, it’s a rash that has blisters. This happened in smaller areas but never like this. I totally accept it as my body’s way of telling me something’s really inflammed.

I wish I could work a remote job and not have to interact with people much. And earn enough to pay for a decent quality of life, hah.

Av’s sister Stephanie is in town from L.A. He told her to come because their brother Irv started dialysis 2 weeks ago, and his dementia is getting worse. He’s been in the hospital for 25 days. Avis is rightfully worried that these may be Irv’s last days; a doc once told me that once a stroke patient’s kidneys start to fail, that’s the beginning of the end.

While he is his normal and cheerful self, I sense the dense feeling and I noticed he’s been gaining weight (yeah, he’s stuffs his feelings with food, which he had done before). He needs more assurance than usual, too.

Then, this morning was the Israel and Hamas thing. The coven said we were in for some more intense energies between now and through next week, and sadly, it was correct. When I noticed the things myself (Mars, Pluto, Eris, and then the Moon), I felt concerned and hoped it was post-covid overreaction. We’ve had these jumpy forecasts before, and this one actualized.

downwind | upstream