Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-03-05

Searching for a rainbow

I hiked the wetlands again today, and I noticed some dark clouds east of me. I continued on hiking on the levee, and the clouds seemed to follow me north but didn't appear to lurch closer.

I saw some turkey vultures, those scavenger birds. There were 2, and one took flight. If I didn't know it was actually a vulture, it looked quite majestic with its broad wing span. The other stood before me, about 30 feet. As I got closer, it noticed me but didn't fly away. I didn't realize its body feathers looked black but actually had a brown shimmer from the light. Its head and neck didn't have feathers and were a shriveled pink, like skin.

But, that first bird in flight... I actually looked beautiful.

About 10 minutes later, I felt a mist and saw a rainbow form the north of me. I guess the cloud drifted west towards me after all. I looked south and saw another half of the rainbow, followed by a soft rain. I saw the rainbow began on the grounds on the northern edge of the wetlands and ended south of there. I saw the light scatter close to the bog, and I ran towards the edge closer to me.

I didn't see a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, hahah, but I did see the colored particles of light gradually fade as the rain slowed, about 400 feet in front of me.

I ended the hike by watching the sunset from the levee. About 50 others were there to watch it. I found a little rock to sit on and watched this burning ember circle slowly disappear into the sawgrass. I was wet and the air was a few degrees cooler from the rain. I couldn't wait to go home, take a warm bath, and get changed in dry clothes.

I decided to relish the winter in the Everglades this year. Instead of heading to the beach, I decided to get to know the glades instead. I love winters here.

The job thing... it was a task. I was advised to turn it down but then it was presented to me again because I guess everyone else they had been asked to do it also turned it down. I was left with that hot potato. I'm not worried. The task is yet another fad in my profession, and everyone is confident it will fade within a year or 2. Maybe that was why everyone turned it down. A little bird then told me not to invest too much time or energy in it.

Relationships... I am a relationship red flag. I think I need a lobotomy for any typical man to get along with me. Women, no, I really don't lean that way and never did although I can appreciate their beauty. But men, more than one said I should come with a warning label. I'm too much or not enough. I started out with having barely a pot to piss in, and now I'm either intimidating or guarded. I guess the secret is really to be open, loving, and kind, and when things go afoul, hit abort, reset and try again. Do something about the resentment, bad feelings, triggered feelings, or whatever the fuck got touched. Just dust myself off, lick my wounds and get back in the game. "Next!" Don't look back, learn what the fuck I can and move ahead.

I wish I could rewind to when I first moved here and considered everything just one big game. Oh, but wait... I stopped that because I met people who showed me I was much better than that.

I did things a certain way after Rafael and I broke up in 2017 and it was for a variety of reasons: comfort level, the people I met, and where I was in cleaning up my own act/ getting back to myself. Now, I'm torn towards feeling resigned and that relationships are like shopping in a second-hand store at this age, or to just treat every botched attempt like a video game that played out its 3 lives, put another coin in the slot, and to try again. Think more like a man in some regards (be in the moment) and much less like a woman in some ways (resentful, carrying everything, analyzing everything), but always make sure a man feels needed, respected, and comfortable. I still can't get this shit right after 48 years. At least I'm not like the host of desperate housewives around who numb themselves with benzos or booze. Instead, I'm lit after 2 glasses of wine and will just fall asleep in front of the TV.

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